Addicted to Toxicity

When I think back on the abusive relationship I was in, I wonder at how addicted we were to the sickness that permeated out relationship. I often claimed to fear him and hate him and want to get away from him. He often claimed to hate me and want to kill me; it was like I was a roach he wanted to stomp flat. Yet and still when others suggested that we separate and leave each other alone we each responded as if they were crazy and wanted to tear us apart; we would become hysterical and melodramatic about how 'in love' we were and how we couldn't live without the other.

Why?

We were toxic together, and so emotionally ill neither of us could see it. I know I couldn't see it. I felt I had no responsibility at all for the relationship. If I thought about it at all I felt I was a helpless victim. When the violence got bad enough to break through the fog I was living in I felt so passive and helpless, it was like, What's the point of leaving? He's just going to follow me and kill me and our daughter. If I stay, I am keeping her safe. You may wonder how I could have thought I was keeping her safe given that this man did things like hold me upside down hanging outside a window from three flights up and tying me and threatening me with a hatchet in front of her. In my head he was like an act of nature; a hurricane, or flood or earthquake that would do much worse if I dared to leave.

Then there were the 'good' times of non-violence. One day he'd be knocking me down and the next we'd cook a nice meal together and laugh and joke like a normal couple. Crazy! At times like these I convinced myself that we could make it work and that he was finally done with being abusive. Sometimes during a period such as this he would be in an expansive mood and allow me to use the phone or go see my family or friends. I would call them up or go see them and wonder why all they ever wanted to talk about was me leaving him. I would tell them he had changed, everything was all right now. And at the time I sincerely believed it.

Subscribe to Beyond Battered by Email

What Do You Say to a Willing Victim?

There is a woman on a mothering site I frequent who is being stalked and abused by her boyfriend's father. She lived with this man alone with her baby while her boyfriend was away at school. Then boyfriend dropped out or changed schools, anyway he came home. She has been posting about her experiences with this man since February/March of this year, and in this time the abuse has escalated. When it started to get dire her boyfriend told her he would end the relationship if she moved out, but then even he had enough.

It's affecting me so much because she is the same age I was (19) when the abusive situation I was in started to get bad. Well it was bad from the get but that was when I 'woke up' to how bad it was. This young woman even says some of the same things I did! So I strongly identify with what she is going through and I know it's just going to get worse. How bad has it got for her right now? She and boyfriend have at long last moved out of the father's home, but now

- Her boyfriend's father is stalking her by phone
- He made her drop out of college
- He is bipolar and according to her, off his meds
- He has threatened them
- He has implied/threatened to rape her
- and worse yet, she posted that they let him watch the baby (why???)and when he returned her to them she, the baby, had semen on her leg. WTF?? WHAT!? I told her unless she was lying then she should call the police, and another woman questioned if she was even a real person or just a troll making stuff up. She is steadfast in her feeling not to get the police involved about the sexual abuse or even to get a restraining order. She seems so helpless and unwilling to help herself. What do you say to someone who is a willing victim, and who lets their child be victimized unpunished? This is a horrible and tragic thing to have happened to this baby.

I think she needed to see that we took this seriously and know that it's a very bad and sick thing to have occurred. The shame is not on her or her baby, the shame is on this perverted, sick man.

I can understand why someone would think this was a troll because it just seems so unbelievable that anyone would have their baby returned to them with semen on their leg and not do anything about it. I would rather believe this was a troll who just wanted to see how far our credulity would stretch, but sadly I know it's possible because when I volunteered at a women's shelter years after leaving my abusive situation there were women there who never reported the sexual abuse of their children by their partners, from fondling to rubbing their penises on and ejaculating on, to vaginal and anal rape. You don't want to believe a mother would ignore or let something like this slide, but it happens. Unfortunately.

She also has a myriad of excuses for not calling the police, for not changing her phone number, for not moving to a secure location paid for by her stepfather. What do you say to someone who refuses to do what they can to be free from someone like this? Who seems stuck in crisis mode and fixated on being a victim? Who is so paralyzed by fear that they can't think straight?

There is nothing to say that will break through to this woman. I know how she feels, I have been there. I have decided to no longer post to anymore of her crisis threads about this man because I can't support someone sabotaging their life and seeming like a willing victim and not only offering up their child to be abused but being unwilling to protect or defend their own baby. They shouldn't have to think twice about calling the police or moving to safety now that their baby has been abused. But I do remember how terribly confusing this was. And now on top of his abuse of her, she has the pain of knowing her child was sexually abused. She and her boyfriend are in a mental fog because of all this... I know, it's so hard to know what to do. Then someone like me telling you what you should do seems like just another person trying to control you. I get it, I remember that feeling now. There is nothing I can say or do that will help her. I just wish there was some way to stop the even worse traumatic events that are likely to unfold.

Subscribe to Beyond Battered by Email