Aftermath: Scars

For years after leaving the man who abused me I would not leave the house without lipstick on. Some thought it was in defiance of the years he controlled when I could wear makeup. But that wasn't it. It was because of the scars. Repeated battering had left my lower lip looking permanently bruised, with ugly, dark stains that looked like splotches. I hated them. I was ashamed of my mouth looked. I felt like anyone could look at me and tell I was this dumb girl who let herself get beat up on. With lipstick on, covering evidence of what I went through, I felt almost normal. With lipstick on, I could hold my head up high.

I'm happy to say that after about ten years the bruising faded away, as did other scars. I still have a scar under my left breast where he kicked me with boots on, but that is also fading, as is the ugly scar on my right leg. Day by day they slowly fade away...soon they will be gone. And the only reminders will be the scars on my mind. I'm working on those.

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This Blog is Helping Already

I noticed this morning that I have been doing something lately, for the past week or so, that shows me I am slowly losing the paranoia and fear that has haunted my life since leaving that abusive relationship. I have been putting my keys in my pocket or purse when I am out and about. I used to carry my keys at all times, one held and poised to strike at the ready just in case someone attacked me. I'm not just talking about in a parking lot or out walking or jogging alone, which is what women are encouraged to do as a safety precaution. I had my keys out and ready just in the grocery store or library.

Just about everyone who knows me now considers me to be a happy, well-adjusted person who is very optimistic. But just about everyone who knows me now considers me to also be very paranoid and needlessly worried about danger and attack. It is amazing to me that just by writing what happened to me on this blog is helping me to fully recover. Perhaps I just needed to acknowledge that in order to not be on offense mode all the time, to let the pervasive fear and underlying paranoia and sense of dread...go.

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Tired of Feeling Haunted

You know the real reason I started this blog? It is because I am tired of feeling haunted by this experience. I'm tired of the flashbacks and the quiet uneasy feeling of never feeling safe. I started sleep with a knife under my pillow again, and I begged my husband to keep a gun in the house. I don't even 'like' guns but there it is.

When I left this man I told myself I would never be willingly victimized by him again, that I would try my best to fight back. He told me over and over and over again that if I left him he would find me and kill me. He told me that there was no where on this earth I could go where he couldn't find me and kill me. This man hated me then and probably hates me now, and assured me many times that he wanted nothing more than to destroy me.

After telling me how he would kill me if I left, he would often turn cheerful.

As if what he said was some big declaration of love, and not insanity.

I have built a happy life in the 15 years since I left. For a couple of years after I left him I lived in watchful fear, then I felt like if he's gonna get me, he's gonna get me. I can at least try to live a happy life. I slowly built up my self esteem. I got therapy. I volunteered at a women's shelter. I dated again, and eventually met my husband. I went to college and started writing.

Everything seemed ok. But last year I had women friends and family involved in violent relationships. I had to tell them I couldn't support their decision to stay as I could not involve myself in such craziness. It triggered a lot of bad memories for me...demons I thought I'd long exorcised.

I am considering getting counseling for this again. It is my hope that finally writing my story will help ease my mind. I've only told bits and pieces. But I need to understand why this happened to me and get closure on it. Some things are unspeakable but I will try to write what I can.

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