How Do I Leave With the Least Amount of Drama to My Child?

A frequent email I get is a question from a woman asking me how to leave an abusive relationship while causing minimal havoc or drama for the child or children involved. I am always stunned and surprised by this question, because living in the situation is already causing extreme damage and havoc to the children, right, but then I remember how I felt when I was living like this. At one time I honestly felt it would wreck my daughter's life to have her parents live apart...more so than seeing me spit on, knocked down, slapped, pushed around, sat on, kicked, etc. Yes, she saw him do all that, and more.

If you are in this situation I don't want to discourage you from emailing me but I am not sure what to tell you, I'm so sorry. I can tell you how I left, you can read it on the blog, but that may not be what's least dramatic for you. Please consider that keeping your child in an abusive situation because of the potential drama of leaving is setting up the very drama you wish to avoid. An abusive family life is never good for a child. Control and abuse is never good for a child to witness. Leaving is going to be dramatic no matter how you do it but it will create a better life for your child, so don't worry about the drama of leaving because that is just temporary.

One thing you can do to cut down on the drama is to make sure you have important documents like birth certificates and stuff so that you have no reason or excuse to go back for anything. If you do forget something or have to leave something, then just forget it. Going back will only suck you back into the relationship. Remember important documents can be replaced. Another thing you can do is seek shelter from people who are prepared to help and protect you. Running to a relative's or friend's house may put them on the spot and it may put their lives in danger as they may not be in a situation to protect you and your children. A battered women's shelter may be your best defense for safe shelter.

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I Am Not a Strong Woman

I wish I were a strong woman, but I am not. I don't think I have the inner strength and mental stability that most women have. Part of the reason I stayed with the man who abused me was because I was not strong. I was so afraid of the world, of making decisions, of trying, of being responsible for myself and my actions. Since he controlled everything I did, then nothing that went wrong was my fault, you see? In a way it was a relief, to hand over control of my life to this man. I don't know if it was because of all the stuff prior to him that happened to me, I don't know if it was just because I was too young to be involved in an intense sexual relationship, or what, but when it was happening at first I felt a tremendous sense of relief at having found someone who would buffer me and protect me from the world. As long as I did what he said everything would be ok and I'd be safe...some where along the line I realized that no matter what I did he would find an excuse to hit me. But before that happened, I tried so hard! to do everything exactly the way he wanted me to.

I still struggle with feelings of weakness and inadequacy but I know now that I don't have to be strong to be an adult, that the way I feel sometimes is normal. Everyone gets scared and feels overwhelmed by all that having adult responsibilities entails. And part of being an adult means being resilient, being able to move on.

You don't have to be strong to leave. You can do this! I know it is hard and can seem so very overwhelming. But you can do it, even when you don't feel strong. You don't need strength to do this, truthfully if I had waited to be strong I would probably still be stuck. You just need to make an action plan and follow it through. Just put one foot in front of the other.

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