More on the Cult Factor
In the 16 years that have passed since I left an abusive relationship I have thought on many occasions it was like being in a cult. So I've been doing some research on cults and what causes people to join them and came across this paper written by Fanita English, M.S.W. In it she makes a compelling argument about the type of person who is attracted to cults (battered in an abusive relationship) and the the type of person who would be a cult leader (or batterer in an abusive relationship. The entire paper is an interesting read but many parts of it shook me with the truth of recognition, such as this:
persons with thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that lead to the destruction or confinement of body tissue cannot stand awareness because they do not distinguish between feeling and the likelihood of behaving in unacceptable ways.
Anyone who has been abused in a relationship knows exactly what this means. It means the abuser cannot or will not tell the difference between whatever bad thing he thinks will happen and what is actually happening or happened. When I was in such a relationship, the man who abused me would often hit me for merely glancing at another male, let alone speaking to one. He would say it was because I was either flirting with them or secretly having an affair with them. Both were things he feared would happen. He feared it so much it became reality in his head. Very crazy!
But what about me, why would I stay with such a crazy person, how is my craziness explained? Here's how:
It looks as though there is a higher number of persons who continue to operate, even as grown-ups, with the belief, however illusory, that there is a way for them to bask in a paradise run by a Father or Mother figure. They seek to abdicate from the responsibility of sorting the welter of mutually contradictory attitudes and feelings in themselves and others. There remain the unappeased yearnings to "escape from freedom" as described by Fromm in his book by this name. When such persons are offered the opportunity to be led into a haven of relief from anxiety this looks like an offer they can't refuse. At last: no more conflict or concern about one's inability to make difficult decisions.
I think this is very true of my emotional and mental state at the time. I still remember the almost palpable sense of relief I felt at handing over all responsibility for myself to this man. I was a deeply disturbed young woman. You may think, how on earth is living with someone who beats you up a 'haven'? Like I've said before, it didn't start out that way. But when it got bad, another reason I stayed was because I so enmeshed in it, I was actually more afraid to leave. I felt like being out in the world without him, I would be in even more danger from other people. Is this addressed in the paper? Yes it is:
The sad thing is that once such a system is established, it feeds on itself and diminishes even the physical ability of oppressed members to move out and evaluate themselves or their community from the outside. Boundaries become more and more rigidly set and impermeable. Outside influence or intervention is feared even by those who suffer under the system, because it is the system that defines their reality and chaos looks like the only alternative.
I've also talked about how growing up in abuse and craziness had such a negative effect on me and possibly triggered my seeking out an abusive relationship. In her paper English discusses this also:
In childhood these people feel forsaken or overpowered in attempts to experience themselves as freestanding creatures and therefore substitute illusions and fantasies for disappointment.
It is a compelling read. If you are being abused and have been in an abusive relationship reading it may help you understand why you chose to be involved in such a relationship. It is a choice, and you can choose otherwise.
Subscribe to Beyond Battered by Email
This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Beyond Battered!
persons with thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that lead to the destruction or confinement of body tissue cannot stand awareness because they do not distinguish between feeling and the likelihood of behaving in unacceptable ways.
Anyone who has been abused in a relationship knows exactly what this means. It means the abuser cannot or will not tell the difference between whatever bad thing he thinks will happen and what is actually happening or happened. When I was in such a relationship, the man who abused me would often hit me for merely glancing at another male, let alone speaking to one. He would say it was because I was either flirting with them or secretly having an affair with them. Both were things he feared would happen. He feared it so much it became reality in his head. Very crazy!
But what about me, why would I stay with such a crazy person, how is my craziness explained? Here's how:
It looks as though there is a higher number of persons who continue to operate, even as grown-ups, with the belief, however illusory, that there is a way for them to bask in a paradise run by a Father or Mother figure. They seek to abdicate from the responsibility of sorting the welter of mutually contradictory attitudes and feelings in themselves and others. There remain the unappeased yearnings to "escape from freedom" as described by Fromm in his book by this name. When such persons are offered the opportunity to be led into a haven of relief from anxiety this looks like an offer they can't refuse. At last: no more conflict or concern about one's inability to make difficult decisions.
I think this is very true of my emotional and mental state at the time. I still remember the almost palpable sense of relief I felt at handing over all responsibility for myself to this man. I was a deeply disturbed young woman. You may think, how on earth is living with someone who beats you up a 'haven'? Like I've said before, it didn't start out that way. But when it got bad, another reason I stayed was because I so enmeshed in it, I was actually more afraid to leave. I felt like being out in the world without him, I would be in even more danger from other people. Is this addressed in the paper? Yes it is:
The sad thing is that once such a system is established, it feeds on itself and diminishes even the physical ability of oppressed members to move out and evaluate themselves or their community from the outside. Boundaries become more and more rigidly set and impermeable. Outside influence or intervention is feared even by those who suffer under the system, because it is the system that defines their reality and chaos looks like the only alternative.
I've also talked about how growing up in abuse and craziness had such a negative effect on me and possibly triggered my seeking out an abusive relationship. In her paper English discusses this also:
In childhood these people feel forsaken or overpowered in attempts to experience themselves as freestanding creatures and therefore substitute illusions and fantasies for disappointment.
It is a compelling read. If you are being abused and have been in an abusive relationship reading it may help you understand why you chose to be involved in such a relationship. It is a choice, and you can choose otherwise.
Subscribe to Beyond Battered by Email
This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Beyond Battered!
Labels: causes, cult similarities
posted by Trula at
3:27 PM
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