Are You An Abuser?

I had a most unpleasant interaction with a man who beat up his fiancee in the comments of this post. My goal with this blog is to understand why I was a willing participant in a sick relationship that nearly took my life. Not to explain the viewpoint of someone who was willing to kill me, as I tried to stress to this man. Still, I believe that though he is still in deep denial about his responsibility in being abusive, I feel he is genuine in his asking for help. Let me make this clear: If you are an abuser, I cannot help you. You need professional help from a counselor who has training and experience in working with abusers. I do not know why you beat your wife or girlfriend. I do not know what went wrong with you or in your relationship.

The only, and I repeat, ONLY advice I have for abusers is to LEAVE the person or people you are abusing alone and immediately seek out advice and help from a professional trained to deal with your emotional problems. Understand, that is not me. I am not an authority on helping abusive men. I am not even an authority on helping abused women. I am an authority on my life and my experience within an emotionally and physically violent relationship I left in 1992. I feel women who are currently going through what I did may be helped by this blog, and that is why it is public. But ultimately this blog is a way for me to work through residual trauma and issues I have remaining from that experience. I may choose to answer a few questions, but this blog is not an advice column for abusers or abused and I will not be used that way.

Some things for you to consider:
what triggered your abusive feelings?
what did you feel the first time you hit her?
why did you continue to hit her?
how did you rationalize this to yourself?

Read this book Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You by Patrica Evans. It's linked on my blog side panel, you can get it from Amazon or check if your local library has it. In the book she explains in detail why some men become abusive.

Also read the FAQS on her site for abuse, it may shed some light on your behavior for you:

http://www.verbalabuse.com/faq.shtml

If you are an abuser I think you would do well to get some therapy for your emotional problems so that you don't repeat this behavior in a future relationship. You don't have to act out your problems on other people; you don't have to be crazy. You have a choice. Therapy really helped me to understand why I sought out abusive situations. It might really help you to understand why you seek to abuse. In the United States some cities offer support groups and free or low-cost counseling for abusers that are available on a volunteer basis. By that I mean you can voluntarily sign up; you don't have to be ordered to by a court or admit to abusing anyone in order to get these services.

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