What To Do When Friends Neglect Their Kids

Question: My room mate ignores her son. She feeds him and keeps him clean, but hardly ever talks to him or plays with him. She doesn't spank him when he does something wrong but she will scream at him. He is only 3 years old. He gets bored and will start whining and following me around. I know he needs attention but this is not my child and really, I don't want to be bothered. I am childless and don't know much about kids. I am starting to get very annoyed by the situation.

I shared two houses with a friend for about 4 years years ago. One house was an up & down 2-family, the other was a side by side 2-family. So we weren't actually roommates but still, for all intents and purposes lived together. I know exactly what you are going through...it is very hard when your room/house mate does not parent as you do.

My friend would not only ignore her kids sometimes, she would scream and curse at them as well. And also hit them with shoes and other various objects. I felt like, I'm going to say something because this mess is crazy, it's getting on my nerves. Telling her that, saying "You know when you call your kids little motherfuckers and dumb bitches at the top of your lungs it really irritates me" worked a lot better than telling her "You are doing extreme damage to your children by cursing and yelling at them" or "Your parenting sucks, big-time" or "If you throw one more shoe at them I'm going to beat you with my boot, see how you like it" all things I told her which pissed her off to no end and resulted in us not talking for a while.

Maybe you could sit your room mate down and tell her how the situation makes YOU feel...yes, her concern should be for the effects her behavior/parenting style is having on her son but sometimes saying that directly hurts the mother's feelings to the extent she won't listen to you...she may honestly have no idea that she is doing anything wrong or she may feel that this method of parenting works best for her and her child. I know when I was younger (I was a teen mom) nothing got my back up more than someone telling me how to parent my child even when I was able to intellectually realize that they were telling me something that would benefit her.

So if you make it all about you, telling her that it bothers you when she ignores her son because then he whines and that aggravates you, she may make an effort to change things just so as not to irritate you. As opposed to making an effort to change because you think her parenting sucks or because she realizes such a change would benefit her son and greatly enhance his life.

This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Mama Specific Productions!

Teens & Cell Phones

My daughter is 19 and a freshman in college and has had a cell phone since she was 14 and a freshman in high school. I resisted the idea at first but gave in once she started high school because she was involved in a lot of activities and socializing. With the phone if she wants to stay a little late or make a change in plans it's no bother to call me. If I have a change in plans, like I'm running late or something I can call her or text her. My oldest son is 13 and has a cell phone now for the same reasons.

It has really made things easier all around to be instantly accessible and has helped me to be more flexible and understanding with my kids, instead of being overbearing and dogmatic and frantic about where they were going and stuff. In particular with my teenage son. He has been requesting more freedom to go places on his own or with his friends. I feel a little better allowing him the freedom a young man needs now that he has a phone. Before I was very nervous about that and tried to keep him close to me at home.

It's also a useful discipline tool, because we made it clear to the kids that we would take phones away for poor behavior and/or a drop in grades. It has helped them to learn about budgeting, because we have a family plan with a set amount of minutes and texts. If they go over that, it comes out of their allowance. We had one very large bill once because my son didn't quite grasp that downloads of special phone add-ons could quickly add up. We had to block downloading for his phone and take the money for the bill out of his allowance. He definitely learned his lesson.

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Ibop is Now Nineteen!

19 years ago today this time I was a 17-year-old senior in high school, sitting in class. Pregnant, due to deliver May 26th. She was born today!

Against all odds,this baby everyone fated would ruin my life(and I'd ruin hers) is a high school graduate, college student, model, and superstar.

There are no words to describe how I feel about my daughter. She is a most wonderful person. She is a wise, compassionate, kind person.

My daughter is very talented in art and music. She is majoring in fashion design and plays bass in a punk rock band. She also plays violin.

When she was small, about 5ish, she would read my stories and say Mom, you have such a way with words. She has always encouraged my writing.

Even now I have no idea where I got the determination, the knot of resistance, to have and keep her. Everyone wanted me to abort or give away.

Our life together has been a journey. Her first 3 years were turbulent as I dealt w/her abusive father. Then for 2 years it was just she & I.

I've spent the past 16 years trying to make up for her first 3 years. No child should ever see their mother willfully staying in abuse...

But my daughter has always felt I was not to blame, she's always been compassionate toward the child mother I was.

My daughter told me the other day Mom I've watched you grow up. I am so proud of you. *cries*

I sometimes feel my daughter was sent to save me, because without her presence & influence I'd have gone wild, probably became a drug addict. Or something else tragic. It's because of her I fought to become the good inside me.

But overall I realize my daughter is here for her own self. Her life is her own. Her gifts, her talents, are meant for the world.

She is so beautiful, inside and out. She is a remarkable person.

Originally posted to my twitter. Follow me for periodic motherhood tweets throughout the day.

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This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Mama Specific Productions!

Why You Should Encourage Age Appropriate Reading

You should encourage your kids to read! A love for reading is a gift and joy that will last your child's whole life. I myself love to read and so do my children.

I would caution you on letting children read just anything. My parents let me read anything in the house so I often read things way beyond my emotional maturity level that left me puzzled and confused. Sometimes it was funny, my confusion. Have you ever read the book Ragtime? There's this scene where this guy is all obsessed over this woman. One day he follows her home and hides in her closet. He watches while her friend, another woman, helps her undress and rubs lotion all over her body to soothe her skin which was pinched and scratched from her corset. Dude gets very sexually excited, and bursts out of the closet shooting sperm all over the bed.

I read this when I was 8 years old, and had no idea what was being described. In my 8-year old head I had a picture of a white man jumping out of a closet and suddenly there being petals or snowflakes or something like that falling from the ceiling. That's the imagery the lyrical prose of E. L. Doctorow produced in my child's mind. I went and asked my dad what it meant and he just sighed, took off his glasses, closed his eyes, and pinched the bridge of his nose. Then he just told me to skip that part. When I read the book as an adult, I laughed and laughed and laughed.

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Should You Help a Parent Struggling with Discipline?

One thing that worked with me when I was sensitive to criticism about my parenting was when the other person had 'proof' to back up what they were saying. Like when I used to spank (I haven't hit my children in 9 years, yay!) folks saying, "Oh hitting your kids is wrong" just made no impression on me. But folks telling me that hitting children causes long-term emotional damage to them, here's the research done that verifies this made a huge impression. When you come across a parent struggling with discipline issues, it might be helpful to explain or show them info about why physical discipline has a negative impact on their child's emotional and psychological health.

They may also have no idea about what is and is not age appropriate for children. Many intelligent, educated, well-meaning, and kind-spirited parents don't understand this and it totally distorts how they view their child and what they feel their child is capable of. I have seen parents allow a 3-year old bathe unsupervised, parents allow a 12-year old to date a 16-year old, and parents not allow an 8 year old to dress themselves. Some parents truly don't know how to make make age-appropriate decisions regarding their child because no one ever explained this to them.

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Bullied About Circumcision

I got a question in an email from a woman who was being bullied by her doctor into consenting to circumcise her son. She wrote to me that she followed his advice and made an appointment to have her son circumcised. She wanted to cancel it but felt scared that they would have charges filed against her for not following through with the circumcision. I decided to post my answer here as well:

When I was going through major baby daddy drama with Scott's (my oldest son) father, at the child support hearing what struck me most was how they worded my relationship with my child. They wrote me as: 'Trula Breckenridge, Scott's biological mother and nearest friend'. That really resonated with me and has stuck with me all these years. Also when I was leaving my daughter's father, who was physically abusive...the primary kicker for getting out of that relationship was protecting her from further harm.

I say this to you because you are going to have to develop a backbone and learn to stand up for your child. You are his nearest friend! You are his first line of defense in this world. You've got to speak for him until he can speak for himself. I know this is hard, but do NOT allow the doctors to cut off a part of your son's penis. If the doctor gets nasty ask him, in a sweet tone of voice, if he himself is circumcised (he probably is, men who are intact are generally NOT in favor of circumcision) and if so, is he projecting his own issues and insecurity surrounding that onto your child? Men who are circumcised tend to want this practice to continue because (outside of those who do it for religion) it makes what happened to them seem normal.

Also give him some facts:
1)Since 1997 more than half of all American boys remained natural.
2)Breast cancer is more common than penile cancer. By his logic infant girls should get mastectomies.
3)Circumcision destroys one-half of the skin and nervous system of the infant penis. It isn't just a little piece of skin. When completely unfolded in the average-sized adult male, the foreskin is the size of a note card.

Call the doctor and cancel the appointment, plain and simple. You are not committing any crime, you are not doing anything wrong by leaving your son with his natural, intact body. I understand your fear but they are not going to take your son from you because you choose to exercise your right to keep his penis natural and intact. Please check out to No Circ website for more information and resources:
http://www.nocirc.org/

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T-bop & Mercury Man Clowning Around December 2007

My husband and son T-bop playing while we waited on S-bop's choir concert to start. I didn't get any good pics of S-bop; I thought I'd set my camera to zoom in but I'd set it to zoom away, aaaargh!!

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Dealing With a Picky Eater

I have one child who is a picky eater. This caused a lot of anxiety on my part until she was around 5ish and I had my second child and didn't have time to indulge her finickiness anymore; meaning I could no longer make her separate meals. One of my older sisters gave me suggestions that helped me out:

Tell your child to just try two bites. Sometimes all she would eat were the two bites but sometimes she would keep right on eating.

Serve the food on smaller plates.
This worked well with my daughter because she then didn't feel overwhelmed at feeling like she had to eat a plate of food she didn't like.

Don't make a separate meal.
This was hard for me because I was used to making my daughter whatever she liked, but it caused me additional work and stress. It is ok for your child to be picky about food, but not ok that it causes you extra work and stress. Explain that they don't have to eat what you prepared but you are not making anything else.

Keep offering food they sorta don't like another time.
Some of my daughter's favorite foods now are things she disliked years ago.

Food that they show a strong aversion to, don't insist that they eat.
Even only two bites. My daughter will never, ever, ever like mushrooms, for example.

Don't keep junk food in the house.
For snacks offer raw fruit or vegetables, occasionally homemade cookies or muffins. I know kids go over other people's houses and get exposed to yogurt covered pretzels or glow in the dark yogurt and stuff, but don't let it stress you out when they ask you for such things. Explain why you don't buy such things and/or that those are treats special to grandma's house or whatever.

I know it hurts when your child is picky about food, but rest assured that unless they have an eating disorder they won't starve themselves. And they will eat what you give them and provide in the household.

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T-bop's Birthday Party: He Is Now 10

T-bop had a birthday recently! He is now 10 years old. Most of the party was outside but I had my hands full running after all the kids so could not take outside pics. Energy! Kids this age have so much energy and when they got hyped it was full-scale; they were like toddlers, have mercy. LOL! I had a blast, he has a nice group of friends, they are all funny and interesting kids.

There were moments of quietness, like when they ate their pizza and again when it was cake time. And when they played on the Wii, some of the kids quietly watched the others playing and they took turns nicely. Overall though it was a loud and high-energy party. The funniest part was when a couple of kids decided to try to take down S-bop, who is 13. Cracked us up, and they almost did it, too.

T-bop is often very quiet and somewhat shy but at his party he was very outgoing and had a lot of fun. I am so proud of him; he is such a wonderful child and interesting person. He's so excited about being the double-digits at last! I can't wait to see how he'll change and grow this year.

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Why Spanking Does Not Work

I got hit, spanked, popped, whipped, belted, all of that when I was growing up. My parents believed in spanking as a method of discipline. Not once then and not once now am I glad or grateful that I got hit by my parents. The only thing it did for me was make me wish I never got caught and made me sneakier and a better liar to my folks.

Spanking to a child is like the current prison system to prisoners: there's little to no rehabilitation and it increases criminal activity and sneakiness once the punishment is over.

I have 3 children, 2 boys and a girl. My daughter has not been hit in eleven years, since she was seven (she's 18 now) and my sons I quit spanking about eight years ago. They are now 13 and 10. I do not regret no longer spanking and I wish I had never hit my children. Time out does work, and so does taking away privileges, such as TV time, computer time, video games, late bedtimes on weekends, cell phones, etc. My children are well behaved both in school and at home, and other people frequently compliment their behavior.

Of course when my husband and I started not spanking we were ridiculed by family and friends. However now my father (my old school mean daddy who used to line me and my siblings up and hit us with a paddle or a switch) tells me that I am doing a great job with my kids and did the right thing in not continuing to hit/spank them. He has also told me that he wishes that they knew about non-spanking methods back when he was raising kids, he never would have spanked had he knew and understood the repercussions of spanking and knew other alternatives for discipline.

Children are not perfect; of course they will mess up and misbehave from time to time. They are children! When you hit a child for misbehaving, you are physically punishing them often-times for behaving in ways they cannot help. They do not deserve to be flicked, popped, slapped, smacked, or hit for misbehaving. It is just not necessary.

Time out and/or taking away privileges does work for children, the exception being children under 4ish, who are just not cognitively able to understand time out. When I hear parents of older children saying time out doesn't work, usually there are other factors involved. Like they may take a 6 year old out all day shopping and running around, not taking into account the child's ability to handle being out all day. Then when the kid has a melt down and acts the fool, of course time out won't work...cause the kid is tired!! and just needed a nap or break in the first place. I often see parents 'going off' on kids because they don't understand age-appropriate limits on attention span, stamina, etc.

Plus I think time out doesn't work for a lot of folks because they are not all-together emotionally or mentally themselves...that definitely has an impact on the kids; a parent's personality and way of looking/dealing with the world. At my last job I knew this woman who just used to grit her teeth at folks all the time. Getting her to smile or say good morning or just be civil was like pulling teeth. She was/is just a very sour, angry, stressed-out person, I think she was suffering from long-term depression. I knew her kids would be terrors living with a mom like that, and they were. She bought them to work once and they were so bad, throwing stuff at folks and being mean little brats. Pretty much looked and acted like their mom, who probably would have thrown stuff at folks if she could have gotten away with it.

Last but not least: many folks hit their kids without even looking at what they feed their poor children. Many U.S. kids today eat a high salt, high sugar, high grease, high meat diet; and drink funky crap like soda and other processed drinks. Then folks wonder why their kids act as if they lost their minds. I know I would physically feel bad if I ate what the average American kid eats, sheesh. Just feeding a kid more fruit and vegetables, increasing their water intake, reducing or eliminating their meat intake, and definitely reducing their processed sugar intake is going to positively affect how they behave.

Consider this: if spanking works so well then why do folks have to keep hitting their kids? I used to get spanked really bad, I can recall going to school with welts on my legs, and that still didn't stop me from misbehaving. Children will act out from time to time, that is just normal childhood behavior as they learn and grow. No child deserves to be hit because they make a mistake. Stuff I used to get beat over and over for when I was a kid, my own kids haven't repeated after once having a privilege taken away. I have personally seen how using non-violent discipline methods works with my children and I definitely recommend you try it for yours.

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Is There Ever a Time to Hit a Child?

The biggest part of attachment parenting that I get the most flak for is not spanking my children. It was hard for me to accept that I could raise my children without spanking them, but once I did it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I haven't spanked my children since late 1999, and sincerely regret that I ever did. I have found other ways to discipline my children and they appreciate it. What seems to surprise people is that they are still well-behaved kids.

One of my major goals in life is to become a gentle mama. I am almost there. After I stopped spanking my kids I continued to yell at them, get in their faces, and in other ways intimidate them. One thing that helps me when I am feeling irritated with my children is to slow. down. my. rate of speech. That helps me to get a grip on my temper as well as reflect on why I am feeling irritated. Most often, it is not even about them. I am really feeling irritated at something or someone else.

Re-direction also helps, sometimes kids can be very insistent on being in your face. If I find myself feeling repeatedly irritated by that, I try to re-direct their attention onto an activity we can do together, because that usually means they are bored and want my attention. As my children got older, I also often strongly encouraged them to find something to do on their own. I feel it’s ok for children to sometimes be bored because it is boredom that sparks their imagination and triggers their creativity.

It is a choice to hit your kids, to yell at your kids, to be mean to your kids. This is something you can control. Once I realized that I chose to yell at my kids, it made me realize I could control whether or not I yelled at my kids. I realized I was not helpless in my response to acting out on their part; I could stop yelling at them.

Something that helps is to treat your children as you would anyone else. Would you hit your husband, a co-worker, or a friend who was learning how to do something and did it wrong? Would you yell at a friend or a co-worker for getting on your nerves? Probably not, because most people won't put up with a spouse that hits them or a friend who yells at them and most jobs will fire someone who yells at their co-workers. Children have no such protection; they have to put up with it. It may seem to you like there are no negative consequences for yelling at them. But there are...it negatively affects them and hurts them deep inside and affects their whole life. Think about that, and make a sincere effort not to yell at them. It's a bad habit to break but gets easier each time. Both you and your children will be better for it, and it contributes to having a safe and peaceful home.

You know what else...it took me a while to understand that when my kids were asking me Why? Why? Why? when I told them to do something they weren't being smart-alecky; they really wanted to know. This still frustrates me sometimes and I will still sometimes snap Don't question me! Just do as I say! but I try to take a deep breath and calmly answer their questions. Quite often they just want a simple explanation, but because I am grown and it seems so simple to me I feel they are being willfully defiant by questioning me. It helps to remind myself that what is obvious to me may not be obvious at all to an 8 year old or 11 year old, or even a teenager like my daughter.

My cutting back on yelling has made such a difference in their lives. I have noticed that they interact with each other differently too, like they are more patient with each other and less likely to yell and/or get frustrated with each other. When my kids tell me, Mommy I like your nice mama voice it warms my heart and makes me feel like I am truly a good mother.

How do you feel about this? Is there ever a time to be aggressive with a child? and by aggressive I mean hitting or spanking in any way, snatching or jerking them in any way, yelling and/or screaming, talking to them in a mean or hostile way, making mean or scary faces, getting all in their face i.e intimidating them by getting all in their body space, emotionally isolating them by not speaking to them for infractions...let me see what else. Throwing things at them, calling them names, cursing at or around them, putting them down. Disregarding their need for positive attention, pointing out their 'flaws' when other people praise them. I am sure there are more examples of aggressive behavior toward children...is there ever any time when it is necessary and/or ok to behave toward a child in any of these ways?

Moved back from now defunct Ultra Mama blog, merging content Let's talk about this again! I turned comments back on. :)

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How to Be a Step Parent

I am not a step-mama but I am daughter to a wonderful mom who is a 'step' mother to some of my siblings. They lived with their mom for the first 5 years of my parents' marriage then permanently lived with us. My mom went through many struggles but I think what helped her the most and unified us a family was that she treated her husband's children as her own. We were never allowed to say we were 'half' siblings, for example.

If you are a step-mother you must also enlist your husband's support. He has to back you with this; the food issues, the discipline, etc. This is sometimes hard for fathers to do because they feel guilty at not being with the child's mom or whatever and are often more lenient than if their child or children lived with them full-time. My dad was much less indulgent after my siblings permanently lived with us.

And lastly, no matter what, do not ever criticize your step-child's mother to the child. Her parenting style may be different, the two of you may never be friends or ever get along, but she is the mother of this wonderful child or children in your life (who will also be siblings to any child you have with their father). They will forever be family so you should respect his mother and say kind things about her to him. When my siblings got older one of the things they said they appreciated about my mother was that she always asked how their mother was doing and never said anything nasty about her to them.

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Children and Chores

If you have any children over age 4 give them chores to do. My kids have to keep their rooms clean and each of them has 2 additional chores. My daughter, who is 18, has to clean out the fridge once a month and keep the shelves and inner door wiped down once a week. She also has to sweep and wipe down hallway stairs once a week. My oldest son, who is 12, has to sweep the front and back porches once a week and keep them organized. He also has to take out the trash. My youngest son, who is 9, has to run the vacuum twice a week downstairs. They all have to put their clean clothes away, alternate on washing the dishes, cleaning the bathrooms, feeding the cat, and straighten their closets once a week. They are a big help to me with keeping the house clean.

If you have children 2-4 have them pick up their toys and put their dirty clothes in the hamper. If you are not picky about folding they can also put some of their clothes away at this age. It has been my experience that Fours really like to help with the dishes. Have them help you wash and dry your non-breakable dishes and put them away. By six they might be ready to handle doing the dishes all on their own.

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Doing Homework Last Minute, I'm Not the One

He is in 4th grade, and this is the grade I start letting my kids manage their own study time and homework meaning I don't sit with them and watch them do their homework like in the earlier grades. I just ask them every day after study time, Did you do your homework? to check. I asked T-bop last night and he said yah mom, I did it.

Then this morning he was all, I have to do my homework! He lied to me, tsk tsk. and did not have time to eat his fresh-made pancakes, but had to have yogurt for breakfast! and oh well, he just earned having me sit right by him and read over his shoulder for the rest of the week. Bet he won't pull this mess again.

Here he is giving me a look after I told him to move back to the table.




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How Can I Miss My Daughter When She's Here?

Mom I'm going to band practice, later! This said moments after she came home from work.



My daughter plays bass in a punk rock band. They have a show lined up and are thinking about recording so they practice a lot, several times a week. Here she is leaving for practice.



She also goes to college full-time and has a part-time job and designs and sews clothes and bags! My baby girl rocks. Can you tell how proud of her I am, LOL



But I miss her. All I see of her these days is the back of her hair:



Here she is packing her gear in the car. I see her in brief bits of time these days. I am happy she chose to stay home for college the first 2 years but she might as well have gone away for all I get to spend time with her.



Enjoy your little ones, the time goes so fast

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Project No-Spank

"There never was a time when a major social problem was solved by beating a child. And there never will be such a time... For centuries adults have injured children and have lied about it, and other adults have heard those lies and then merely turned away... we must begin putting the blame where it belongs."

- C. EVERETT KOOP, M.D., Sc. D., Surgeon General of the U.S. Public Health Service, U. S. Department of Health and Human Services; from the Keynote Address to the Kids Symposium, "Uniting America to Fight Childhood Injury," Washington, D.C., February 16, 1989 See http://www.nospank.net/koop2.htm

More on Project No-Spank

S-bop Crawling 1996

My son S-bop crawling in my then-apartment 1996. This apartment was so small! you can see the kitchen from the living room. Down the hallway were 2 more rooms, a small bathroom and a bedroom. Ibop shared the bedroom with my sister who stayed with us, and I slept in the living room. To the right of the TV was a big walk-in closet and we put S-bop's crib in there. I wish I had a pic, I had it fixed up really nice. He mostly slept with me, though, on the couch; I believed in co-sleeping with all my kids when they were babies. I was so poor but we had good times in that little apartment.

The good thing about the apt. was that it was right across from the rapid train station. I was going to college at the time and working so I could be at school or work within 15 minutes! that was nice.

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Do You Plan on Teaching Your Daughter the Houskeeping Arts?

On a mother's website I frequent a woman talked about buying a new teapot every 6 months or so because they get so grungy. I posted how to clean it and keep it looking new inside and out. This was one of the many housekeeping things I didn't know about either. My mother-in-law taught me this, when one day out of exasperation she asked me why didn't I clean the teapot (we are big tea drinkers in my house, the teapot stays on the stove). I told her I wiped it off as best as I could but it wouldn't come clean, it was scorched from being on the stove so much. She was so surprised that I didn't know how to clean a teapot, and showed me how (get some steel wool and scrub it real good inside and out. Then rinse it real good, then fill it with 1/2 cup of vinegar and 2 cups water. Boil, rinse and voila! sparkly clean teapot, good as new).

My own mother did not teach me much about housekeeping. She was a grad student when she was pregnant with me, she actually turned in her thesis for her Master's degree the day she went into labor with me. She worked until I was nearly 3, then she had 2 of my younger sisters, adopted another younger sister, and between all this my parents got full custody of my older brothers and sisters by my dad's ex-wife. So she was a stay-home mom for awhile. When I was around 7 she went back to work full-time, and completely stopped doing housework. But even when she was home I don't recall her cleaning much, and she allowed a lot of disgusting things to go on, like she claims we were all potty-trained by the time we were one, but all that means is she took us out of diapers at age 1. My little sisters were not fully potty trained until they were 3ish, because I sure remember them pissing and pooping on the floor. and my mom would just leave it there until whenever. We also had roach infestation and the sink stayed full of stagnant water and dirty dishes. The house was always really grimy and nasty. We lived in a nice suburb neighborhood in a nice big house but inside it was like some horrible tenement. I was so ashamed of how we lived.

My dad was/is really sexist and refused to clean up much. Every 4 months or so he would get fed up and make us clean the house from top to bottom and it would stay clean for maybe a week before dirt and disorder would come back full force. I realize now that neither of my parents knew how to run a house and they were both overwhelmed by work and raising so many kids. and my father felt like it just wasn't his job, it was my mother's job whether she worked outside the home or not. I remember once when I was about 11 he asked her to quit work and just stay home and take care of the house. She refused, saying it would be a waste of her education and she would be bored staying home. But my mother was a social worker, I still don't understand why she felt it was ok to be so slovenly, to raise her own children in filth when she often had to take other people's kids away for living in squalor just a step below how we lived.

Anyway. The other day my daughter ibop, age 18, said something about not being able to boil an egg. I was so surprised but when I thought about it, it's true that I haven't taught her much about cooking, cleaning, or how to run a household. I really had assumed that she learned by example, from watching me. There are some specific dishes I have taught her step-by-step how to cook, but I have not taught her the basics of cooking. I have not taught her the basics of baking. I haven't taught her how to make a bed, or how to dust, or the other basics of house cleaning. I haven't taught her specifically how to do laundry. I haven't taught her how to set up a pantry, how to can or freeze food, what spices to keep and use. I haven't taught her meal planning and how to buy food. I haven't taught her how to budget. I haven't taught her how to keep a closet and store seasonal clothing. There is so much to running a home, it really is an art and takes skill; it really is something you have to be taught.

I never wanted to put too much household work onto her so all I've ever really required her to do was keep her room clean, vacuum every now and then, and do the dishes. Sometimes I'll ask her to do another chore and she would ask me how to do it, and you know, I always thought she was kidding around.

I feel just terrible about this because I struggled so much as a young mother and young adult with keeping a clean home and making good meals for us because I didn't learn how, the way I was raised. I learned so much on my own and it was so hard. I don't want my daughter to struggle like I did just with keeping a decent home for herself, let alone if she decides to become a mother later. She has said that if she ever has kids, she wants to stay home with them and do the things with them that I do. But how is she going to bake them cookies after school and all and keep the house decent so they can have friends over without feeling ashamed and all if she can't even boil an egg or know how to dust? I feel like I have failed her in an important, fundamental way.

She is staying home for the next 2 years, going to college locally and then transferring to an art school to finish out her degree. She plans to live in the dorms and then get her first apartment. So I do have time to help prepare her to live on her own. I am going to show her this and sit down with her and make a plan for when I can teach her these things. We both have such full schedules now, but I feel confident we can make the time for her to learn a new household skill every other week or so. I'm also going to write down for her each thing, and put it in a binder so that when she leaves home she has a written guide for how to set-up and maintain a household. Yay! I am positive it is not too late, and now she won't flounder or struggle with this stuff like I did.

(p.s I have conflicting feelings about doing this with my sons, but that is another blog)

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S-bop is a Football Player

My son S-bop is 12 and in 7th grade this year. He decided he wanted to play football last year and asked me to sign him up for this year. I try to be supportive of my children but I truly didn't want him to play. He is a regular-sized boy for his age and rather on the skinny side. He was a preemie and though he long ago caught up I still think sometimes being a preemie affects his stamina to this day. I was afraid he would get hurt too.

Mercury Man insisted that he be allowed to play and S-bop wanted to so badly, I didn't have the heart to say no. I felt like I would be holding him back or hurting him emotionally if I didn't allow him to play. But it hurt my heart at first, I couldn't even go to the first practices in the summer.

Then I finally went to see his team practicing and it was fine! He looked so happy and confident on the field. It totally allayed my fears to see him out there, handling his own. He has had 3 games so far, last night his team won their first game!! They lost by a lot their first two games so they were super happy yesterday.



Oh this will make you laugh: at the parent football orientation in the summer we met all the coaches, went over the rules and expectations and stuff, then they had the head of the Fathers Football Club tell us about what they do. He made the club seem so exciting and fun! Basically the fathers and their sons meet one weeknight a week at rotating houses, they order pizza, watch a game, just hang out and have fun. He made it seem like such a party! I raised my hand to ask if there was a mother's club, right. Then he said I see a lot of moms here, so let me tell you there is a Mothers club too! You get to make all the food for the junior high and high school teams before their games, and bake stuff for the parties, and do the general clean-up! He actually said this!!! My hand went down so fast, LOL!! I looked around at the other women there, and they were all rolling their eyes and cracking up!

I didn't get a chance to speak to the guy but I did talk with some other moms, none of who joined the Mother's club yet, but from what they tell me this is tradition and they won't change it. We will see about that! I don't know why the Mother's Football Club can't be fun too. Cooking and cleaning, you have got to be kidding me, sheesh.

We live in a small town and high school football is big here, a lot of people go to the games and are really excited about them; put signs in their yard and there is always a big write-up in the little local paper. S-bop is only in junior high but already he's getting recognition from people around the neighborhood who saw him riding his bike in his uniform or at a game. The high school team hasn't had their first home game yet but when they do they are going to let the junior high team come and run into the field with them. I think that is so cute!! and the little junior high cheerleaders get to cheer the whole game with the big girls.

I am also finally starting to understand football. Not my dad, my brothers, my male cousins, or even Mercury Man could ever explain this game to me. It was like this willful part of my brain refused to even listen, 'cause I could never grasp the rules of the game or what it meant. I would watch a game thinking I understood it and then they'd blow the whistle and say 1st and 10! or 7th and down! or whatever, and I'd be all, What??? LOL! But now that S-bop is into football I really really want to understand this game, and I'm slowly getting it. When we're at the games I ask Mercury Man or my FIL to explain a play. You would think this would irritate them but no, they love talking about this stuff! I can't believe how excited they get over football.

The head coach says S-bop is a good player and shows a lot of potential. He is a good coach, he makes sure every boy on the team gets to play and he explains what they need to work on to improve. He is no-nonsense and old-school about discipline though, he will get right in their faces yelling if they act up and makes them do push-ups or run a million times up and down the field. S-bop finds this all enthralling, ha. I don't get it but I am so happy my son is learning and enjoying himself!



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I-bop Auditioned for ANTM & Started College

Last month My daughter auditioned for the Tyra Banks modeling show America's Next Top Model. She is only 5'6 and the show required a height of at least 5'7, but she wanted to audition anyway because a few past winners were under 5'7 (for example Eva Pigford, winner of cycle 3, is just 5'6 1/2). So we thought if she wore heels it would be ok. I was worried she would look very short next to all the tall women who would be there and they'd automatically tell her she couldn't audition, but it seemed like most of the women who auditioned were her height or even shorter! There was one young lady in particular who had on at least 3-inch heels and still came up to my chin, LOL. I am 5'6 like my daughter so this woman had to be just 5'1 at the tallest.

She had to bring 3 photos. Here is a pic I love that I wanted her to bring, but she couldn't use it because someone else's face is visible. I was going to crop it but she just wanted to use other pics anyway:



So she got to go through the whole audition process, it was great! I think I was more excited than she was. Quite a few people asked if I was auditioning too, which made me laugh. The oldest you could be was 27 so I guess I should be flattered that people thought I was 27, ha.





Ibop trying to do the classic Tyra face. She actually can do this look really well, but I kept making her laugh so it didn't turn out too well in this pic, LOL



We drove up to Columbus for the audition and they had moved the location last minute so we had to scramble around to find the new location. Then the wait began. I stood in line with her and we chatted with other model hopefuls, including a young lady who was right at the age deadline and was a former beauty contestant, and a pair of sisters from the Cleveland area who had auditioned last year. There was also this one woman who told us repeatedly she wanted to be on so that she could tell the other models off. How odd! She was very pretty though, but obviously a little off in the head.

Ibop really stood out, and I don't just say that because she's my daughter. She is so beautiful and has such grace, confidence, and presence. I think the only reason she didn't get a call-back was a combination of the height and her being so young (she just turned 18) and unpolished especially compared with the women who had modeling or contestant experience. I hope she auditions next year, if she doesn't get signed this year or represented anywhere she would still be eligible. But she is definitely going to pursue modeling this year and has already lined up her portfolio and will be part of a fall show for a local indie designer. By next year she will have more polish; I think that will help with getting on this show.



I stood in line with her and went as far as the gatekeeper woman who sectioned the model hopefuls into groups that went up for the auditions. I could have gone up with her but she asked me to wait downstairs. I was extremely hyped by that point, it was too funny, but my daughter was very patient and diplomatic with me. She very kindly told me to chill. The woman who was in charge was like, You do know that if she gets on the show you can't go on with her, right? So I knew I needed to calm down, LOL. I went and sat on a couch and chatted with other moms and bystanders. I had a great time socializing which is very unusual for me because I am shy and don't normally talk to strangers like that. After the group audition she came back down for a little break but went to go eat and talk with other model hopefuls. Then they went back upstairs for another round.




Finally it was all over. She talked for a while with the other young women and then we drove back home, just thrilled. Check out the dress she wore, she made this dress!! She got a lot of compliments on it:



Last month she also started college! She is going to a local college and will live at home for the next 2 years, which makes me very happy! I would have let her go but she chose to take the scholarship she was offered here. Then she is transferring to an art college to finish with a degree in fashion design. Here are a few pics from the first couple of days:

Early morning, my baby is off to college! I am so proud of her!









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T-bop's Into Skateboarding

Need I say anymore? :)