Beyond Battered: Memories of Domestic Violence

More on the Cult Factor

2008-05-25T15:27:00.003-04:00

In the 16 years that have passed since I left an abusive relationship I have thought on many occasions it was like being in a cult. So I've been doing some research on cults and what causes people to join them and came across this paper written by Fanita English, M.S.W. In it she makes a compelling argument about the type of person who is attracted to cults (battered in an abusive relationship) and the the type of person who would be a cult leader (or batterer in an abusive relationship. The entire paper is an interesting read but many parts of it shook me with the truth of recognition, such as this:

persons with thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that lead to the destruction or confinement of body tissue cannot stand awareness because they do not distinguish between feeling and the likelihood of behaving in unacceptable ways.

Anyone who has been abused in a relationship knows exactly what this means. It means the abuser cannot or will not tell the difference between whatever bad thing he thinks will happen and what is actually happening or happened. When I was in such a relationship, the man who abused me would often hit me for merely glancing at another male, let alone speaking to one. He would say it was because I was either flirting with them or secretly having an affair with them. Both were things he feared would happen. He feared it so much it became reality in his head. Very crazy!

But what about me, why would I stay with such a crazy person, how is my craziness explained? Here's how:

It looks as though there is a higher number of persons who continue to operate, even as grown-ups, with the belief, however illusory, that there is a way for them to bask in a paradise run by a Father or Mother figure. They seek to abdicate from the responsibility of sorting the welter of mutually contradictory attitudes and feelings in themselves and others. There remain the unappeased yearnings to "escape from freedom" as described by Fromm in his book by this name. When such persons are offered the opportunity to be led into a haven of relief from anxiety this looks like an offer they can't refuse. At last: no more conflict or concern about one's inability to make difficult decisions.

I think this is very true of my emotional and mental state at the time. I still remember the almost palpable sense of relief I felt at handing over all responsibility for myself to this man. I was a deeply disturbed young woman. You may think, how on earth is living with someone who beats you up a 'haven'? Like I've said before, it didn't start out that way. But when it got bad, another reason I stayed was because I so enmeshed in it, I was actually more afraid to leave. I felt like being out in the world without him, I would be in even more danger from other people. Is this addressed in the paper? Yes it is:

The sad thing is that once such a system is established, it feeds on itself and diminishes even the physical ability of oppressed members to move out and evaluate themselves or their community from the outside. Boundaries become more and more rigidly set and impermeable. Outside influence or intervention is feared even by those who suffer under the system, because it is the system that defines their reality and chaos looks like the only alternative.

I've also talked about how growing up in abuse and craziness had such a negative effect on me and possibly triggered my seeking out an abusive relationship. In her paper English discusses this also:

In childhood these people feel forsaken or overpowered in attempts to experience themselves as freestanding creatures and therefore substitute illusions and fantasies for disappointment.

It is a compelling read. If you are being abused and have been in an abusive relationship reading it may help you understand why you chose to be involved in such a relationship. It is a choice, and you can choose otherwise.

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This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Beyond Battered!

Breaking the Cycle

2008-05-03T16:17:00.001-04:00

My daughter turns 19 in just a few days. I look at the young woman she is now and I am so amazed. She is full of confidence, energy, and joy. She has a zest for living and reaching for her dreams. I think about the young woman I was at 19, and the contrast is both sad and beautiful. Sad because at 19 I felt trapped in an abusive relationship where I feared for my life but was more afraid of the world. Beautiful because at 19 my daughter does not have such fear; she embraces new challenges and is willing to grow as a person daily. She has a belief in herself and her abilities that I, at age 36, and only just now beginning to master. She has a very nice boyfriend, a wonderful and kind young man she has been dating for 2 years. He treats my daughter very well and has a great deal of respect for her.

Domestic violence often spans generations, and this is something that could have continued with my daughter. But it hasn't. The cycle started with me and ends with me. My daughter chose another way.

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This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Beyond Battered!

Teens Often Victims

2008-04-13T21:23:00.002-04:00

Monica Bentley, a teenager, was shot five times by an abusive man she dated.

From the article:
In Washington, about 12 percent of domestic violence homicides between 1997 and 2006 involved a victim under 20, according to the Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence 2006 Fatality Review Report.

The report demonstrates a need for earlier education for teens about healthy relationships and identifying abusive or manipulative behavior, said Kelly Starr, the Coalition's communications coordinator.

"Are we addressing teen-dating violence? Are we taking this seriously? Are we addressing this in schools?" she asked.
Read full article

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This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Beyond Battered!

Barack Obama Voting Tuesday March 4th 2008

2008-03-04T12:17:00.002-05:00

Cast my vote today in the Ohio primary, yay!

Barack Obama for President 2008

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Repeat Domestic Violence Become Felony

2008-02-02T21:46:00.000-05:00

Oh my, they are seeing the light in Texas:

A proposal backed by Governor Richardson to increase domestic violence penalties won approval in the Senate today.

A third conviction of battery on a household member would become a felony, punishable by up to 18 months in prison.

The legislation would make it a third-degree felony -- with a prison sentence of up to three years -- for those convicted of 4 or more offenses.
Read full article

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Aftermath: Scars

2008-01-14T07:53:00.000-05:00

For years after leaving the man who abused me I would not leave the house without lipstick on. Some thought it was in defiance of the years he controlled when I could wear makeup. But that wasn't it. It was because of the scars. Repeated battering had left my lower lip looking permanently bruised, with ugly, dark stains that looked like splotches. I hated them. I was ashamed of my mouth looked. I felt like anyone could look at me and tell I was this dumb girl who let herself get beat up on. With lipstick on, covering evidence of what I went through, I felt almost normal. With lipstick on, I could hold my head up high.

I'm happy to say that after about ten years the bruising faded away, as did other scars. I still have a scar under my left breast where he kicked me with boots on, but that is also fading, as is the ugly scar on my right leg. Day by day they slowly fade away...soon they will be gone. And the only reminders will be the scars on my mind. I'm working on those.

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Another Year Safe

2008-01-05T21:19:00.000-05:00

2008 marks the sixteenth year since I left an abusive relationship. When I left I was a deeply frightened young woman running for my life, clutching my daughter in my arms. Before I left I was living in a fog of denial, lost to myself and feeling helpless that my life could be any different. My goals for this blog remain the same: to detail my journey from a pitiful young girl trapped in a destructive relationship as well as posting other information that may help other women leave abusive relationships. Happy New Year to you.

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What Happens To Children Who See Domestic Violence?

2007-12-10T21:52:00.000-05:00

I know lots of women stay being abused because they are afraid that breaking up the family is harmful to their child or children. I know I felt this way; I was unable to see how just seeing me getting beat up had a negative affecte on my daughter. This is very interesting, you should definitely check out the whole piece:

Witnessing domestic violence can lead children to develop an array of age-dependent negative effects. Research in this area has focused on the cognitive, behavioral, and emotional effects of domestic violence. Children who witness violence in the home and children who are abused may display many similar psychologic effects. These children are at greater risk for internalized behaviors such as anxiety and depression, and for externalized behaviors such as fighting, bullying, lying, or cheating. They also are more disobedient at home and at school, and are more likely to have social competence problems, such as poor school performance and difficulty in relationships with others. Child witnesses display inappropriate attitudes about violence as a means of resolving conflict and indicate a greater willingness to use violence themselves.
Read More

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Are You An Abuser?

2007-11-28T15:00:00.000-05:00

I had a most unpleasant interaction with a man who beat up his fiancee in the comments of this post. My goal with this blog is to understand why I was a willing participant in a sick relationship that nearly took my life. Not to explain the viewpoint of someone who was willing to kill me, as I tried to stress to this man. Still, I believe that though he is still in deep denial about his responsibility in being abusive, I feel he is genuine in his asking for help. Let me make this clear: If you are an abuser, I cannot help you. You need professional help from a counselor who has training and experience in working with abusers. I do not know why you beat your wife or girlfriend. I do not know what went wrong with you or in your relationship.

The only, and I repeat, ONLY advice I have for abusers is to LEAVE the person or people you are abusing alone and immediately seek out advice and help from a professional trained to deal with your emotional problems. Understand, that is not me. I am not an authority on helping abusive men. I am not even an authority on helping abused women. I am an authority on my life and my experience within an emotionally and physically violent relationship I left in 1992. I feel women who are currently going through what I did may be helped by this blog, and that is why it is public. But ultimately this blog is a way for me to work through residual trauma and issues I have remaining from that experience. I may choose to answer a few questions, but this blog is not an advice column for abusers or abused and I will not be used that way.

Some things for you to consider:
what triggered your abusive feelings?
what did you feel the first time you hit her?
why did you continue to hit her?
how did you rationalize this to yourself?

Read this book Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You by Patrica Evans. It's linked on my blog side panel, you can get it from Amazon or check if your local library has it. In the book she explains in detail why some men become abusive.

Also read the FAQS on her site for abuse, it may shed some light on your behavior for you:

http://www.verbalabuse.com/faq.shtml

If you are an abuser I think you would do well to get some therapy for your emotional problems so that you don't repeat this behavior in a future relationship. You don't have to act out your problems on other people; you don't have to be crazy. You have a choice. Therapy really helped me to understand why I sought out abusive situations. It might really help you to understand why you seek to abuse. In the United States some cities offer support groups and free or low-cost counseling for abusers that are available on a volunteer basis. By that I mean you can voluntarily sign up; you don't have to be ordered to by a court or admit to abusing anyone in order to get these services.

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Addicted to Toxicity

2007-11-26T00:46:00.000-05:00

When I think back on the abusive relationship I was in, I wonder at how addicted we were to the sickness that permeated out relationship. I often claimed to fear him and hate him and want to get away from him. He often claimed to hate me and want to kill me; it was like I was a roach he wanted to stomp flat. Yet and still when others suggested that we separate and leave each other alone we each responded as if they were crazy and wanted to tear us apart; we would become hysterical and melodramatic about how 'in love' we were and how we couldn't live without the other.

Why?

We were toxic together, and so emotionally ill neither of us could see it. I know I couldn't see it. I felt I had no responsibility at all for the relationship. If I thought about it at all I felt I was a helpless victim. When the violence got bad enough to break through the fog I was living in I felt so passive and helpless, it was like, What's the point of leaving? He's just going to follow me and kill me and our daughter. If I stay, I am keeping her safe. You may wonder how I could have thought I was keeping her safe given that this man did things like hold me upside down hanging outside a window from three flights up and tying me and threatening me with a hatchet in front of her. In my head he was like an act of nature; a hurricane, or flood or earthquake that would do much worse if I dared to leave.

Then there were the 'good' times of non-violence. One day he'd be knocking me down and the next we'd cook a nice meal together and laugh and joke like a normal couple. Crazy! At times like these I convinced myself that we could make it work and that he was finally done with being abusive. Sometimes during a period such as this he would be in an expansive mood and allow me to use the phone or go see my family or friends. I would call them up or go see them and wonder why all they ever wanted to talk about was me leaving him. I would tell them he had changed, everything was all right now. And at the time I sincerely believed it.

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When Someone Says They Hate You & Want to Kill You, Believe Them

2007-11-19T10:41:00.000-05:00

I remember one time the abusive man I was involved with told me he hated me in front of one of my friends and I actually laughed it off like it was a joke. I was so surprised at how shocked she was, like doesn't every one's boyfriend say they hate them sometimes? That's how used I was to being mistreated.

In addition to telling me he hated me he also routinely told me he was going to kill me. Sometimes once a month. Sometimes once a week. Toward the end it was nearly every day. Sometimes he said it like other people say Good Morning, like just a greeting to start the day. Other times it was in response to something 'bad' I did, from ironing his shirts wrong to being a few minutes late from work. Or even looking out the window while driving in the car. Whenever I threatened to leave he would say it almost desperately, as if he would have no choice but to kill me if I left him.

It sounds bizarre I know, because it was bizarre. But somehow I convinced myself that he was just kidding around, that he didn't mean he would really kill me, for any reason. Even though he told me all the time that he hated me and wished I was dead and that he would kill me. How is that a joke, how is that in any way funny or something any sane person can excuse? Why was my self-esteem so low, that I was willing to accept this or even willing to call this love? And why was his, why did he not see that repeatedly threatening to kill someone is not normal or sane? What was wrong with us, why were we so sick in the head?

It took several assaults on my life for me to get it through my thick skull and understand that he was dead serious about hating me and wishing to kill me even while claiming to love me and want to be with me. But long before he began to assault me, he gave me warning. I chose not to believe in his craziness and hatred of me, I chose to stay involved with and participate in this violent, sick relationship and put myself and my daughter through a lot of unnecessary pain and misery.

When someone says they hate you and want to kill you, believe them and walk, no, RUN away from them.

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Domestic Violence During the Holiday Season

2007-11-13T23:15:00.000-05:00

With Thanksgiving a little more than a week away, authorities say the holiday season brings on a sad statistic.

Law enforcement officers will see an increase in domestic violence. Families’ getting together is not always a happy occasion.

Chief Deputy Ronnie Whitworth says alcohol plays a key role in a majority of the domestic violence cases.
Read more

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Causes of Domestic Violence

2007-11-01T10:25:00.000-04:00

When I was in abusive relationship I often discussed with him why he was so crazy. Not that I used that word of course, but I asked him many times why he felt compelled to hit me. Usually after he beat me up he'd be contrite and apologetic for a while (this is known as the honeymoon phase) and willing to talk about. He often talked about how his father abused his mother and how scared it made him, but he also said after he became grown he understood why his father hit his mother. Other times he would say it was like child-rearing: he hit me to teach me to behave better. At the time I also believed in hitting children for discipline so this kind of made sense. Or he would say if I just did exactly what he said he wouldn't have to hit me. The problem with that was I often did not know what he wanted until after he 'corrected' me. He would tell me exactly what I did wrong after the fact.

It was nuts.

I've been surfing around the web trying to find out what causes domestic violence. Check this out:

First, there is learning to abuse. Learning to resort to violence comes from three factors:
1) instruction by others to act in violent or threatening ways,
2) modeling of violent or controlling behavior, and
3) reward of controlling and threatening behavior
Read more

The last one I find especially interesting. I was stumped at first, thinking How did I reward him for controlling, threatening, and beating me? The answer, of course, is I stayed. I rewarded him by staying and participating in that sick relationship. I continued to have sex with him, I continued to take care of him, I continued to turn over my paychecks to him, I continued to behave in a loving and accepting manner towards him. Yes I said that what he was doing to me was wrong, but my actions showed otherwise. By my very actions I was telling him that I believed in and was accepting of the way he treated me.

Growing Up With Abuse & Craziness

2007-10-18T21:13:00.000-04:00

I watched Dr. Phil today and he had on parents who were dealing with severely disturbed children who physically attacked them and their other children. I was interested in the show because I have 4 siblings who suffer from mental illness, 2 of whom attacked and almost killed me and some of my younger siblings when I was growing up. One of my older sisters tried to kill me when I was eight years old, and one of my brothers repeatedly attacked us and threatened to kill the entire family. He would do things like come into our rooms at night and stand over us with knives, and constantly threatened to burn the house down. This brother frightened me so much, I was so afraid of him still as an adult that I refused to go to his funeral when he died in 1997. I told my parents that because I was pregnant at the time I couldn't travel, but in truth I was terrified to go, even though we could have driven there. I don't know what I thought would happen; maybe I thought he'd get me through the casket or he had arranged for someone to come shoot us all at the funeral. That was the kind of thing he would say and he harbored such intense hatred toward us, I believed he would do something like that.

I wanted to hear what kind of advice Dr. Phil gave these parents, especially about their responsibilities toward their other children. One of the children profiled on the show in particular reminded me of my brother. This child tried to poison his brother and sisters and step-mother. They were all hospitalized. Not once, but twice this happened. Currently the child is in a juvenile detention home after being in a mental health facility the first time. Do you know the parents are actually contemplating bringing this homicidal child home??? I wanted to reach through the television and shake some sense into them. It was like they had no idea what kind of damage they would do to their other children bringing someone who tried to kill them back into the home. Don't those kids deserve to feel safe? To be safe?

The mom especially reminded me of my mother...she seemed so confused and unable to stand up and protect her other children from this crazy boy. To this day my mother tries to act like she really thought she was making the right decision and just trying to 'keep the family' together. I might believe that IF my mother did not have the education and training she does. My mother has a bachelor's degree in sociology with a minor in psychology, and a master's degree in social work. She did over 3 years of field work with disturbed kids before she even had any children of her own and worked in social work throughout my childhood, so she knew from jump what was likely to happen when you bring a disturbed child into the home or back into the home after they have acted out so aggressively against other children. She knew that it is highly likely they will act out on the other children in the home. I feel that my mother loves me, but part of me feels she intentionally set me and my younger brothers and sisters up to get hurt.

The more I learned about my mother's early childhood the more this makes sense because she experienced severe illness as a child, parental abandonment (my grandfather rarely saw his kids after he and my grandmother divorced and my grandmother left for a few years to attend graduate school when my mother was just a toddler), paralyzing racism, lack of affection and harsh physical discipline from my great-grandparents. Maybe she was subconsciously trying to repeat her own childhood chaos onto her own children.

My father is not exempt from this. He has always maintained that he didn't want any of my crazy siblings to come back into our house, but he still let them back in, to hurt us again and again. Finally he put his foot down after my brother threatened my mother with a butcher knife (another kid on the show actually stabbed his step-mother several times with a butcher knife). My brother remained in a mental facility until his early twenties. When he was released he left to live in the same city his mother lived in, and I only saw him once after that. He looked me up and down lewdly and stared at me with contempt and hatred. I refused to speak to him for the rest of the visit and never saw him again.

When I was in an abusive relationship I didn't think that the craziness and chaotic environment I grew up in had anything at all to do with me being in that situation. I honestly believed that I 'just happened' to fall in love with someone who had severe mental issues, I 'just happened' to leave my parents chaotic home only to find myself living in another chaotic home where I was abused and lived in fear. I felt like it was just chance, just a coincidence.

It is crystal clear to me now that I was just trying to repeat the crazy environment of fear that I grew up in. I was so damaged by that fear...you have no idea. I felt so confused growing up. I didn't understand when I was a child why my parents wouldn't protect me. It made me feel worthless and like I was garbage. Like I was nothing. Why else would you allow someone who seriously tried to kill your child back into your home? But on the other hand my parents, especially my mom, would say that they loved me and that I was special. It is so clear to me now why living with the man who abused me felt right at the time. Someone scaring me, hurting me, telling me I was worthless, telling me they were going to kill me, but then turning around and saying that they loved me more than anything...why, it felt like home.

Currently my brothers and sisters and I, us younger siblings affected the most by the insanity that wrecked my family, have all had turbulent young adulthoods and a difficult time managing life. After I left the abusive relationship at age 20, I struggled and struggled until I was around 25. I didn't really begin to feel a strong sense of emotional stability until I was 30 years old. Now I am 35 and just in the past year felt truly strong enough to understand the complexities of my childhood and how that trauma has had a ripple effect on my life. One of my brothers is an alcoholic who has been unable to live on his own for many years now. One of my sisters has gone back to an abusive relationship. Two of my sisters suffer from severe social anxiety; one to the point where she can barely talk, she speaks in a near whisper and seems afraid of everyone in the family. The other can talk just fine to family members but she freezes up when trying to talk to strangers and has difficulty with getting and keeping a job. She has never lived on her own and lives with our parents.

We are now all in our 30s and I don't see these siblings trying to acknowledge their issues or get better...they don't even seem to want to live a normal, healthy life. I understand I can't do anything about how they choose to live...I just feel a great sense of sadness and loss at their potential. If you could have seen them! Any of us when we were small children before all the craziness happened, you would have seen we could have done anything any of us set our minds to as adults. And I worry what's going to happen to them when our parents are gone. They have all been angered and hurt by my refusal to play into or listen to their drama/victim/crisis mode lifestyles, so most are not speaking to me. Worse still, most of my siblings don't even speak to each other regularly. We all talk to our parents but that's about it. So much for keeping the family together.

Back to the show...basically Dr. Phil told them they would be putting themselves and their other children in harm's way by bringing the severely disturbed children back into the home. He offered them help and treatment options, and both families took it. I wish my parents had gotten help like that.

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How Do I Leave With the Least Amount of Drama to My Child?

2007-10-14T15:19:00.000-04:00

A frequent email I get is a question from a woman asking me how to leave an abusive relationship while causing minimal havoc or drama for the child or children involved. I am always stunned and surprised by this question, because living in the situation is already causing extreme damage and havoc to the children, right, but then I remember how I felt when I was living like this. At one time I honestly felt it would wreck my daughter's life to have her parents live apart...more so than seeing me spit on, knocked down, slapped, pushed around, sat on, kicked, etc. Yes, she saw him do all that, and more.

If you are in this situation I don't want to discourage you from emailing me but I am not sure what to tell you, I'm so sorry. I can tell you how I left, you can read it on the blog, but that may not be what's least dramatic for you. Please consider that keeping your child in an abusive situation because of the potential drama of leaving is setting up the very drama you wish to avoid. An abusive family life is never good for a child. Control and abuse is never good for a child to witness. Leaving is going to be dramatic no matter how you do it but it will create a better life for your child, so don't worry about the drama of leaving because that is just temporary.

One thing you can do to cut down on the drama is to make sure you have important documents like birth certificates and stuff so that you have no reason or excuse to go back for anything. If you do forget something or have to leave something, then just forget it. Going back will only suck you back into the relationship. Remember important documents can be replaced. Another thing you can do is seek shelter from people who are prepared to help and protect you. Running to a relative's or friend's house may put them on the spot and it may put their lives in danger as they may not be in a situation to protect you and your children. A battered women's shelter may be your best defense for safe shelter.

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The Drama Triangle: Why Growing Up in Abuse Makes You Seek Out Abuse in Adulthood

2007-10-12T14:33:00.000-04:00

I read this over at Why Can't the Past Just Die? a blog on abuse recovery I recently came across:

For those of us who have grown up in families where there was abuse, neglect, alcohol/drug addiction, mental illness or any other circumstances that can create the kind of fear that may distort or prevent our ability to be in touch with who we are and how we feel as individuals, it is likely we will have developed with a lack of understanding into what motivates our behavior within our relationships. This is because the authentic-self is undeveloped or has been cast away in order to play a certain role in the family that is for the family’s benefit. Self-hood is lost and replaced by a shell of a person that is manipulated and who manipulates in turn, engaging in a dance that allows a false sense of order, purpose and identity among the dancers. In reality, the end result is nothing short of chaos, and without a clear understanding of how the Drama Triangle works, attempting to escape the snare may be an almost futile effort.
Read full blog entry

I think it is very interesting and certainly applies to me and my family. I am going to share this with my family in hopes to spark a discussion about why so many of my siblings struggle or struggled with abuse issues and other forms of chaos in our adult lives.

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The Gunfighter : Domestic Violence From a Child's View

2007-10-11T14:41:00.000-04:00

This month in honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month What About Our Daughters is featuring posts from Black men on the subject of DV. Another brave brother has agreed to wade into the fray. This week's post is courtesy of Gunfighter. Here's a snippet:

Instead of raw numbers, I am going to talk about DV from a personal viewpoint. You see, I know a wee bit about the subject. I witnessed it as a child.

My dad was a wife-beater.

An early memory for five year old Gunfighter was my father coming home after working the late shift at Hamilton Air Force Base, California, and getting into an argument with my mother. I have no idea what it was all about, but I remember the shouting turning into screams. Screams coming from my mother, punctuated by the fist-on-flesh thwacking sound that no child should ever hear coming from his own mother's body.

After scooping my older sister from her bed, my mother ran into the bedroom that I shared with my brother, herded us into our car and drove off into the night. We drove around for a few hours, finally parking on the side of the road, somewhere in Marin County. I am certain that sometime that night, I must have slept, but I remember being awake, as the new day was dawning, and seeing my mother just staring blankly out the window.

It was 1968, my mother was 29 years old... and she had nowhere to go.

I'll bet you know what we did next.

If you guessed "you-waited-until-your-dad-went-to-work-and-then-you-went-back-home", you're right, now, go get yourself a cookie.

My life changed that night. That night put me on the road that I travel today... the road that leads to responsible fatherhood. The road that leads to marital respect, the road that leads to being a true man. Yes, a true man.

That beating wasn't the only one my mother ever got from my father... but it was the worst, and the last. By the summer of 1969, my mother had divorced my father, and we moved to New Jersey to live with my Grandmother.
Read the full essay

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When It's Your Family

2007-10-10T01:23:00.000-04:00

What do you do?

I have a sister who is involved with an abusive man. I am so hurt over this. It's one thing to talk about what happened to me, I'm re-hashing it over the distance of 15 years. It's all fine and dandy to post advice on the blog and via email to strangers that ask me questions. It's another thing when it's your family.

I love my sister but I am unable to watch her self-destruction. She is so talented and smart and beautiful...whatever good you think about me, know that my sister is ten times that. She is a gem of a person and this man uses her and treats her like some plastic bauble you get out of a gum machine and throw away. Why doesn't she feel that she is worth so much more than that? Why doesn't she understand that there are men in the world who will treat her with respect, speak to her with kindness, and never threaten her or mistreat her? Why doesn't she see this?

Why didn't I?

When is this ever going to stop for my family? It wasn't just me who experienced this and it's not just her. We have an older sister who was married to a physically abusive man for nearly 20 years, an aunt who divorced her husband because he was an alcoholic who beat her frequently, and several cousins on both sides of our family who have experienced verbal and physical relationship abuse in varying degrees. What happened with the women in my family? Why does this keep happening? My sister can be and do anything she wants, but she is choosing to go through the same pain and drama she saw her older sisters and other women in her family go through. I feel grief and guilt for my part in modeling this kind of relationship to her. I know that I did not cause her to choose this but I do know that as her older sister she looked up to me and learned from me.

Know that when you choose to be abused, younger people close to you are watching you and seeing how you live your life. You never know how what you decide to put up with in a relationship affects the people who love you. Please choose to model healthy, vibrant, and loving relationships without fear and abuse to your daughters, sisters, and other young girls coming up in your family.

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Distraught: News About the Deaths of Jannell Cintron & Cesess Hill

2007-10-03T18:47:00.000-04:00

I felt just destroyed while watching the news about Jannell Cintron and Cesess Hill, 2 little girls who were murdered by their mother near where I live. She drowned them allegedly out of frustration with their father. The two of them were involved in an abusive relationship. This has bought up so many painful memories for me...I know the pain and desperation this young mother felt. I am not saying she was right or had no other option, but I know the despair and confusion she felt to do such a horrific thing. I feel so deeply for the father as well, because even though I know the kinds of things he must have said to her including threatening to take their kids from her, I saw this man cry from the bottom of his soul on the news and I feel he loved his children deeply. Two children are DEAD and the lives of their parents are irreparably ruined because neither had the presence of mind to leave the other alone and walk away from a sick and destructive relationship. I wrote about this in my previous post but here is more news:

CLEVELAND -- Court records show a Cleveland woman now accused of drowning her two children, was a victim of domestic abuse. Amber Hill remains in jail after police say she drowned her two little girls inside an apartment on Cleveland's east side.

Court records in Cleveland and Bedford indicate the children's father, Jaime Citron attacked Hill on two separate occasions. In January of 2004, Hill told Warrensville Heights Police Citron jumped on her and grabbed her by the neck. The report says Citron was so angry he punched himself in the face several times. He was later found guilty of domestic violence.

In May of 2006, court records show Citron picked up a hammer and smashed a television screen. The report also says he grabbed her by the neck and shoved her. In an interview with Fox 8 Tuesday, Citron admitted he wasn't always a sensible person. But he says since the abuse convictions, he's been working to change his attitude and his abusive ways.

"We had just got back together like a month and a half ago. Being apart six months was really hard for me," said Cintron. Monday the two most important people in his life, his two daughters, were found floating in a bath tub and the accused killer is a mother.

Citron says he wants to know why she did it. Amber Hill's family says a combination of abuse and depression may have led her to kill.
Local Fox 8 News Report

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Domestic Violence & Abuse Blogroll

2007-10-02T10:15:00.000-04:00

Here are other blogs and websites with a focus on partner abuse/domestic violence. I will be adding to this list so check back soon!

Abuse Is No Excuse
Abused No More
Behind the Blue Wall
Home Sweet Home
Michelle King Abuse
One Woman's Voice
Wendy McElroy's DV Blog
When Domestic Violence Starts Young
Why Can't the Past Just Die?

RIP: Jannell Cintron & Cesess Hill

2007-10-02T06:17:00.000-04:00

Will it ever end? Two little girls are dead as a result of a violent relationship between their parents. Sisters Cesess Hill, age 2, and Janell Cintron, age 4, were found submerged in a bathtub yesterday. Their mother, Amber Hill, is the suspect. Their father, Jamie Cintron, was at work when they were drowned.

I just watched the news where they interviwed Amber Hill's grandmother. She said that the relationship was an abusive one (and there are 2 documented cases of abuse according to the news) and that Amber would often come stay with her when it got too much for her to deal with. But she went back.

She went back.

and now those children are dead.

My heart goes out to their families. I lit candles for their souls and I know those two innocents will go on. Read more here:
Mom suspected of drowning girls in tub

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Face the Issue

2007-10-01T20:26:00.000-04:00

What are the symptoms of abuse?

Does your mom, dad, sibling, girlfriend or boyfriend:

• Seem like two different people, constantly switching between two personalities?
• Act extremely jealous of others who pay attention to you, or use jealousy to justify his/her actions?
• Make fun of you, put you down, or embarrass you in front of other people?
• Control your friends and/or your behavior emotionally or sexually?
• Have a history of bad relationships or past violence, always blame his/her problems on other people, or blame you for "making" him/her treat you badly?
• Push, slap, bite,kick or choke you?
• Try to get you drunk, high or messed up or try to get you alone when you don’t want to be?
• Try to control you — by being bossy, not taking your opinion seriously, making all of the decisions about who you see, what you wear, what you do, etc. ?
• Threaten to kill you or commit suicide?
• Talk negatively about people in sexual ways or talk about sex like it’s a game or a contest?
• Stop you from seeing or talking to friends, family or limits your outside involvement?
Unfortunately, without help, the violence will only get worse. If you think you might be in an abusive relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline or your local domestic violence center to talk with someone about it.

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be involved in a relationship that is physically, emotionally or sexually abusive. For more information: National Domestic Hotline http://www.ndvh.org/
Hotline Number: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
http://www.facetheissue.com/abuse.html

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This Could Have Been Me: Johanna Orozco

2007-09-17T15:09:00.000-04:00

Johanna Orozco is a young woman who was raped and then shot in the face by a former abusive boyfriend.

She is 18-years-old.

She survived being shot but the lower half of her face is destroyed. The Plain Dealer has been doing a series of stories about this young woman and what happened to her, including the first of her many surgeries and the trial of the attacker. I have been following these stories with much interest because as you may know, I was in an abusive relationship when I was Johanna's age. I was threatened with being shot, stabbed, buried alive, hung, axed, and more.

This could have happened to me. This could have been me.

You can read Johanna's story on the Plain Dealer website here:
http://www.cleveland.com/johanna

I feel I should warn you, it includes some graphic photos of her face, surgery, and recovery. But there are some wonderful photos that show how this incredible young lady has not let this destroy her. I was as proud of her graduating high school this past June as I was of my own daughter. And if you ever feel jaded and cynical about today's teens, view the pics of her prom. Her classmates visited her in the hospital, helped her stay caught up on school work, encouraged her to go to prom and elected her prom queen!

Her story will inspire you...if you are involved in a relationship like this, I hope it inspires you to get help and to LEAVE. Especially if your relationship is not at the level of rape and extreme physical violence. It never gets any better, it only gets worse so if you are being 'just a little' abused, get out now. If you are not being abused or have left an abusive situation, I hope her story inspires you to appreciate your life and all that you have. This girl is moving forward with grace, dignity, and happiness. So can you.

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It's Like Being In a Cult

2007-09-07T09:12:00.000-04:00

It is hard for me to understand how/why I was in this sort of relationship. But when I was in it, I had a totally different spin on things. I can't describe it other to say that it is like being brainwashed or hypnotized or something, like being in a cult, but if you've never had the misfortune of being in that sort of situation you still wouldn't know what it feels like or understand it. Depending on your age you may remember the Jonestown tragedy, and like most you probably wonder how so many people were coerced into murdering children and then killing themselves. When they first gave up control of themselves and their lives to the cult leader they began the process that ended with their deaths.

Being with an abusive person is just like that. They don't start out trying to kill you or kicking you down the stairs or spitting in your face...it's a mind-control process that starts like a snowball rolling down hill, starting with just a little and then picking up more and more steam until you look up and you're smashed by an avalanche.

I guess that's all I have to say about it right now. I do wish that more women felt empowered enough to take control of the situation...but when you're in it you feel like such a victim, so powerless.

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I Am Not a Strong Woman

2007-08-29T22:35:00.000-04:00

I wish I were a strong woman, but I am not. I don't think I have the inner strength and mental stability that most women have. Part of the reason I stayed with the man who abused me was because I was not strong. I was so afraid of the world, of making decisions, of trying, of being responsible for myself and my actions. Since he controlled everything I did, then nothing that went wrong was my fault, you see? In a way it was a relief, to hand over control of my life to this man. I don't know if it was because of all the stuff prior to him that happened to me, I don't know if it was just because I was too young to be involved in an intense sexual relationship, or what, but when it was happening at first I felt a tremendous sense of relief at having found someone who would buffer me and protect me from the world. As long as I did what he said everything would be ok and I'd be safe...some where along the line I realized that no matter what I did he would find an excuse to hit me. But before that happened, I tried so hard! to do everything exactly the way he wanted me to.

I still struggle with feelings of weakness and inadequacy but I know now that I don't have to be strong to be an adult, that the way I feel sometimes is normal. Everyone gets scared and feels overwhelmed by all that having adult responsibilities entails. And part of being an adult means being resilient, being able to move on.

You don't have to be strong to leave. You can do this! I know it is hard and can seem so very overwhelming. But you can do it, even when you don't feel strong. You don't need strength to do this, truthfully if I had waited to be strong I would probably still be stuck. You just need to make an action plan and follow it through. Just put one foot in front of the other.

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