I Remember Isolation

A huge sign that you are in an abusive relationship is that the person abusing you tries to isolate you. This is usually before any physical violence has started, but not always. In my case it was before he started hitting me. Why didn't I see this as a sign or at the very least, why didn't I think this was crazy or odd for him to twig out whenever I wanted to spend time with my family and friends? Hmmmmmm...I remember thinking that he must really love me to want to spend so much time with me. Before he got physically violent and just flat-out forbade me from seeing my family and friends, he would try to convince me from seeing or talking to them by putting them down and/or telling me that they didn't really like me or care about me. I remember thinking that he must really care about me to be so watchful and concerned with how other people viewed me and treated me. In some cases he wasn't far off or even being irrational; one of my friends at the time had 'stolen' two boyfriends from me before and some members of my family did disrespect me and talk bad about me. My parents had not done a good job at keeping me safe while growing up. But rather than encourage me to develop healthy relationships with any of these people or develop decent personal boundaries for myself, he amplified the sense of paranoia and personal shame I felt about myself to suit his own ends of making me a possession.

The isolation intensified after he got physically violent. Then the violence intensified the more and more isolated from other people I got. If he could not or would not go anywhere with me, I wasn't allowed to go. At the end the only place I was allowed to go by myself was to my part-time job, and that was only because he took my pay so it was like free money for him. One time my mother was in the hospital and he refused to let me go by myself. First he didn't believe she was really in the hospital, then he didn't believe I would go to the hospital; I'd sneak off somewhere else to be with some other man. Then he believed if I did go I would start talking to some man at the hospital. He had a great fear of me talking to men, even a doctor in a hospital about my mother's condition. Because he saw me as a thing he owned, because he could do whatever he wanted to me without any repercussions, because he saw I had no control at all in my 'relationship' with him, he felt I had no control of myself period, with anybody. He would say that often; that any man could come up to me and say anything and I'd go off and have sex with them. He had no trust or belief in me whatsoever and would say the most terrible things about me, over and over.

I really think the job I had at the time helped save my sanity, because it was the only place I had to go where he could not come in and run me down. I would go to work and pretend like I had a normal life. I could talk to other people who didn't seem to think I was this ugly, disgusting, horrible, nasty, slutty creature. This animal who deserved to be spit on and beaten and locked away. Then I'd go home to him and hear this and worse, for hours sometimes.

If you are going through this you know exactly what I mean...probably nothing I can say will help you see that what he says is not true. You will have to break free of the isolation you have allowed someone else to put you in. You can set yourself free. I did, and have not looked back.

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Paper About Abuse of Survivors by Emi Koyama

Disloyal to Feminism: Abuse of Survivors within the Domestic Violence Shelter System is a paper about transforming the movement against domestic violence. Also included are the "power and control" wheel depicting the abuse of survivors by Domestic Violence shelters, and several other documents.

This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Beyond Battered!

Domestic Violence & Abuse Blogroll

Here are other blogs and websites with a focus on partner abuse/domestic violence, family abuse, and/or surviving.

Abuse Is No Excuse
Abused No More
Behind the Blue Wall
Home Sweet Home
Michelle King Abuse
One Woman's Voice
Spilling Ink in Publics
Wendy McElroy's DV Blog
When Domestic Violence Starts Young
Why Can't the Past Just Die?

More on the Cult Factor

In the 16 years that have passed since I left an abusive relationship I have thought on many occasions it was like being in a cult. So I've been doing some research on cults and what causes people to join them and came across this paper written by Fanita English, M.S.W. In it she makes a compelling argument about the type of person who is attracted to cults (battered in an abusive relationship) and the the type of person who would be a cult leader (or batterer in an abusive relationship. The entire paper is an interesting read but many parts of it shook me with the truth of recognition, such as this:

persons with thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that lead to the destruction or confinement of body tissue cannot stand awareness because they do not distinguish between feeling and the likelihood of behaving in unacceptable ways.

Anyone who has been abused in a relationship knows exactly what this means. It means the abuser cannot or will not tell the difference between whatever bad thing he thinks will happen and what is actually happening or happened. When I was in such a relationship, the man who abused me would often hit me for merely glancing at another male, let alone speaking to one. He would say it was because I was either flirting with them or secretly having an affair with them. Both were things he feared would happen. He feared it so much it became reality in his head. Very crazy!

But what about me, why would I stay with such a crazy person, how is my craziness explained? Here's how:

It looks as though there is a higher number of persons who continue to operate, even as grown-ups, with the belief, however illusory, that there is a way for them to bask in a paradise run by a Father or Mother figure. They seek to abdicate from the responsibility of sorting the welter of mutually contradictory attitudes and feelings in themselves and others. There remain the unappeased yearnings to "escape from freedom" as described by Fromm in his book by this name. When such persons are offered the opportunity to be led into a haven of relief from anxiety this looks like an offer they can't refuse. At last: no more conflict or concern about one's inability to make difficult decisions.

I think this is very true of my emotional and mental state at the time. I still remember the almost palpable sense of relief I felt at handing over all responsibility for myself to this man. I was a deeply disturbed young woman. You may think, how on earth is living with someone who beats you up a 'haven'? Like I've said before, it didn't start out that way. But when it got bad, another reason I stayed was because I so enmeshed in it, I was actually more afraid to leave. I felt like being out in the world without him, I would be in even more danger from other people. Is this addressed in the paper? Yes it is:

The sad thing is that once such a system is established, it feeds on itself and diminishes even the physical ability of oppressed members to move out and evaluate themselves or their community from the outside. Boundaries become more and more rigidly set and impermeable. Outside influence or intervention is feared even by those who suffer under the system, because it is the system that defines their reality and chaos looks like the only alternative.

I've also talked about how growing up in abuse and craziness had such a negative effect on me and possibly triggered my seeking out an abusive relationship. In her paper English discusses this also:

In childhood these people feel forsaken or overpowered in attempts to experience themselves as freestanding creatures and therefore substitute illusions and fantasies for disappointment.

It is a compelling read. If you are being abused and have been in an abusive relationship reading it may help you understand why you chose to be involved in such a relationship. It is a choice, and you can choose otherwise.

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This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Beyond Battered!

Breaking the Cycle

My daughter turns 19 in just a few days. I look at the young woman she is now and I am so amazed. She is full of confidence, energy, and joy. She has a zest for living and reaching for her dreams. I think about the young woman I was at 19, and the contrast is both sad and beautiful. Sad because at 19 I felt trapped in an abusive relationship where I feared for my life but was more afraid of the world. Beautiful because at 19 my daughter does not have such fear; she embraces new challenges and is willing to grow as a person daily. She has a belief in herself and her abilities that I, at age 36, and only just now beginning to master. She has a very nice boyfriend, a wonderful and kind young man she has been dating for 2 years. He treats my daughter very well and has a great deal of respect for her.

Domestic violence often spans generations, and this is something that could have continued with my daughter. But it hasn't. The cycle started with me and ends with me. My daughter chose another way.

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This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Beyond Battered!

Teens Often Victims

Monica Bentley, a teenager, was shot five times by an abusive man she dated.

From the article:
In Washington, about 12 percent of domestic violence homicides between 1997 and 2006 involved a victim under 20, according to the Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence 2006 Fatality Review Report.

The report demonstrates a need for earlier education for teens about healthy relationships and identifying abusive or manipulative behavior, said Kelly Starr, the Coalition's communications coordinator.

"Are we addressing teen-dating violence? Are we taking this seriously? Are we addressing this in schools?" she asked.
Read full article

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This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Beyond Battered!

Barack Obama Voting Tuesday March 4th 2008

Cast my vote today in the Ohio primary, yay!



Barack Obama for President 2008

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