Have Black Men Destroyed the Black Family Intentionally?
I don't think the low marriage rates between black men and black women and the high parental abandonment rates by black fathers is being done intentionally, not at all. I think that many black men just don't realize how important they are to their children. Or how important marriage is (or at the very least a committed relationship with both parents living in the same household) for forming a secure family life. I have talked with black men who have children they rarely see, and there is no evil intent or malicious ill-will to their children. They just don't seem to understand how their absence has a negative impact on their kids.
For example, I have a brother who has a daughter (he hid this from our family for nearly a decade) and he does not see her often; only once or twice a year. Her mother married years ago and had more children, and his daughter is being raised with her step-father as her father. One day he told me that he knew she was ok because he saw how much my kids (I have 3, my 2 older kids I bought to the marriage and my 3rd is by my husband) loved and respected my husband. He was saying his daughter had the same secure family life and had a father influence. I had to explain to him that even though my kids have my husband, they still want and need to have their dads involved. Especially my oldest son. He has a lot of pain and confusion about his dad and feels rejected by him. His father, a policeman who pays child support every single month and lives just 40 minutes away from us, does not seem to understand how/why my son feels this way. He has not seen him (though he keeps saying he will) since he was a year old and has talked to him on the phone once (last year), but he thinks my son doesn't need him. my word.
I also feel that far too many black women also seem not to understand the importance of fathers for their kids...or else they would make better decisions about who they choose to have children with. I made this mistake, but I was so...ignorant? willfully obtuse? that I honestly did not connect the dots, i.e a bad partner would make a bad father. I can't say in the case of myself or my brother that our choices were because we didn't have a father and thus didn't know any better, because our parents have been married all our lives and we always had our dad. I do think for many black men and women though that the primary reason is because they themselves weren't raised with a father, so they truly don't feel or see that their kids are missing out.
I believe one step to achieving personal growth is acknowledging and accepting your responsibilities. If you have children, you have a responsibility to them. Accept your role as their parent and do your best to do what's good and right for them.
For example, I have a brother who has a daughter (he hid this from our family for nearly a decade) and he does not see her often; only once or twice a year. Her mother married years ago and had more children, and his daughter is being raised with her step-father as her father. One day he told me that he knew she was ok because he saw how much my kids (I have 3, my 2 older kids I bought to the marriage and my 3rd is by my husband) loved and respected my husband. He was saying his daughter had the same secure family life and had a father influence. I had to explain to him that even though my kids have my husband, they still want and need to have their dads involved. Especially my oldest son. He has a lot of pain and confusion about his dad and feels rejected by him. His father, a policeman who pays child support every single month and lives just 40 minutes away from us, does not seem to understand how/why my son feels this way. He has not seen him (though he keeps saying he will) since he was a year old and has talked to him on the phone once (last year), but he thinks my son doesn't need him. my word.
I also feel that far too many black women also seem not to understand the importance of fathers for their kids...or else they would make better decisions about who they choose to have children with. I made this mistake, but I was so...ignorant? willfully obtuse? that I honestly did not connect the dots, i.e a bad partner would make a bad father. I can't say in the case of myself or my brother that our choices were because we didn't have a father and thus didn't know any better, because our parents have been married all our lives and we always had our dad. I do think for many black men and women though that the primary reason is because they themselves weren't raised with a father, so they truly don't feel or see that their kids are missing out.
I believe one step to achieving personal growth is acknowledging and accepting your responsibilities. If you have children, you have a responsibility to them. Accept your role as their parent and do your best to do what's good and right for them.
posted by Trula at
3:39 PM
2 Comments
Links to this post
