I Am Not a Strong Woman

I wish I were a strong woman, but I am not. I don't think I have the inner strength and mental stability that most women have. Part of the reason I stayed with the man who abused me was because I was not strong. I was so afraid of the world, of making decisions, of trying, of being responsible for myself and my actions. Since he controlled everything I did, then nothing that went wrong was my fault, you see? In a way it was a relief, to hand over control of my life to this man. I don't know if it was because of all the stuff prior to him that happened to me, I don't know if it was just because I was too young to be involved in an intense sexual relationship, or what, but when it was happening at first I felt a tremendous sense of relief at having found someone who would buffer me and protect me from the world. As long as I did what he said everything would be ok and I'd be safe...some where along the line I realized that no matter what I did he would find an excuse to hit me. But before that happened, I tried so hard! to do everything exactly the way he wanted me to.

I still struggle with feelings of weakness and inadequacy but I know now that I don't have to be strong to be an adult, that the way I feel sometimes is normal. Everyone gets scared and feels overwhelmed by all that having adult responsibilities entails. And part of being an adult means being resilient, being able to move on.

You don't have to be strong to leave. You can do this! I know it is hard and can seem so very overwhelming. But you can do it, even when you don't feel strong. You don't need strength to do this, truthfully if I had waited to be strong I would probably still be stuck. You just need to make an action plan and follow it through. Just put one foot in front of the other.

Subscribe to Beyond Battered by Email

I Used to Be a Martyr

I wore my broken heart like a badge

This was how I used to be. I was such a martyr. It was like I thought people would like me better or think better of me the more I suffered or something. I really got a lot emotionally out of having people pity me or feel sorry for me. That is so sad.

All it takes is a decision to move forward. It also takes a decision to choose to think differently about yourself and require more of yourself. That's the hard part. I had to ask myself why I wanted to be pitied; why did I want to be pitiful? I had to require of myself to want more for and from myself. This made me totally look at myself differently and in a sense become a new person. It was hard, and painful, but the new person under the old scab of Mercury was fresh, clean, and wonderful person. Not some broken pitiful creature with no self-esteem and no future.

Subscribe to Beyond Battered by Email

Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You

This. Book. Is. AWESOME.

It’s by Patricia Evans who wrote the also awesome book The Verbally Abusive Relationship. I initially got this book for a close friend of mine who is trying to come to terms with being in a physically abusive relationship. I have been there, and she knows this, but she does not think her relationship is ‘nearly as bad’ as what I went through. After all, the man who abused me threw me down a flight of stairs and caused me to miscarry a baby; chased me down in the street and slammed/banged my head on the sidewalk repeatedly leaving me with multiple fractures to my skull and permanent brain injury, and threatened me with a hatchet in front of our child. Among other things. All her abuser has done is give her a black eye or two. Oh yeah, he yells at her almost every day, spits on her, and threatens her often.

What strikes me most is how he tries to control her every move. The last time I was over her house (over a year ago, and the abuse has since become physical), he came in and refused to speak to me after I said hello. The phone rang, she answered it, and he flew into a rage, yelling Who is it, who is it! Why are you always on the phone! It was their pediatrician, calling back about tests results for their baby. Man. It is almost textbook, and he is following the pattern that my abuser did. It reminded me so much of how my abuser was…he was very mad or fearful of me being on the phone, and it got to the point where he just took the phone with him when he left the house.

So I got her this book, and we are reading it together. I know some of you out there are currently being verbally and/or physically abused. If at all possible, get this book as soon as possible. I found it to be an eye-opener, because not only does she talk about why some people try to control others, she talks about why some people allow themselves to be controlled. This was very helpful for me to read because I did not understand why this happened to me. Why did I allow it, why did I allow someone else to control me?

Another thing this book answered for me was the Big Why. Not only why did he abuse me, but why did the man who claimed to love me want to kill me when I left him? No one could ever explain this to me, other than saying he was crazy. Ok, he was crazy, I was crazy to take it, but what was the logic in/for his craziness?

You have to read the book to get a fuller understanding of it, but basically she is saying that controlling people feel very disconnected from themselves and the world, and so invest all their connection to reality and humanity into one person. They have built up a fantasy person, often subconsciously, who knows them intimately and who is their entire world and reason for living. When they meet someone and fall in love, they project this fantasy person into them. Often they don’t even know they are doing this and certainly the beloved one doesn’t know. The control and abuse starts when the actual real person behaves in any way different than the fantasy person. The controller/abuser panics, because independent thought, words, and actions means the beloved can leave at any time.

If the beloved does leave, it truly feels like life-and-death to the abuser because then they feel they have no connection to anything or anybody. When someones stalks someone else, it is not the actual real person they want back…they want the body back that is hosting their fantasy person!!! When controllers/abusers say that they cannot live without you or will kill themselves if you leave, they often actually feel this way because they are so disconnected from not only reality, but from themselves. They do not even have a connection with themselves. So controllers/abusers will stalk and even kill someone to prevent them leaving with their fantasy person, to prevent feeling profoundly lost and disconnected and alone in the world. Once they have killed the host body for their fantasy person, they realize that their most horrible nightmare has come true, they are alone and disconnected, so they kill themselves.

She gives great advice with how to deal with controllers. Number one best advice: do not give them credence to their wacky beliefs. This was a big eye-opener to me because I am quick to try to correct anyone’s mistaken belief about me. This is a no-no, because by doing so you give them credence to support their belief. If you come across anyone who says something erroneous about you, don't try to correct them. This never works with controllers…NEVER. I remember my young 19-year old self trying in vain to tell/explain/show this man that I was not stupid, I was not lazy, I was not dumb, I was not ugly, etc. I felt that if I could only say or show to him that I was not all the things he said I was, he would stop saying them and start being nice to me. Uh uh. It doesn’t work that way, because a controller/abuser cannot even hear you…they are not relating to you as an actual person, but as their fantasy person.

Ok, I will stop because I could go on forever about this book. My friend is still with her husband, still being abused, but she is taking a big step just by seeking to understand why this is happening to her. I hope and pray that she realizes she has the power to leave her abuser. I hope and pray that all of you out there realize that you do too.

I was 20 1/2 when I left. I just turned 34. I have had almost 14 years, 14 years! of freedom and happiness and self-direction. When I was 20 I could not even imagine the life I lead today. No one yelling at me or slapping me around or throwing things at me or spitting on me. I can go where I want, I can dress how I like. I can talk on the phone with my friends and family, shoot I can have friends, I can see my family. I can make plans for my future, I can use my talents in my career. Best of all, my children do not live in fear. It has not always been easy and I would be lying if I said I didn't have moments of confusion and backsliding. But I did it, and you can too. You don’t have to live this way.
This was originally written on Mama Specific Productions in 2006. I transferred it here after deciding to set-up the Beyond Battered blog

http://www.patriciaevans.com/

Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You

Subscribe to Beyond Battered by Email

Published on Hipmama.com

A piece I did for Beyond Battered (Escaping the Abuse) was published on Hipmama.com. I have been published in the Hipmama print magazine so I am thrilled! You can check it out here:
Abused Mamas: Escape by Trula Breckenridge

Subscribe to Beyond Battered by Email

Color Me Butterly Book

This is cool, I'm going to get this book ASAP:

L.Y. Marlow is the third generation of her family to have been a victim and survivor of domestic violence: a violence that almost took her own life and the life of her unborn child. Born and raised in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the fourth of five children, she comes from a family tree of strong, triumphant women who taught her the meaning of courage, hope, and love. In her debut book, Color Me Butterfly, she tells the poignant and endearing story of four generations of mothers and daughters: the true story of her grandmother, her mother, herself, and her daughter. With grace and wisdom, she examines the impact intergenerational domestic abuse has had on her family for over sixty years.
Color Me Butterfly

Subscribe to Beyond Battered by Email

This Blog is Helping Already

I noticed this morning that I have been doing something lately, for the past week or so, that shows me I am slowly losing the paranoia and fear that has haunted my life since leaving that abusive relationship. I have been putting my keys in my pocket or purse when I am out and about. I used to carry my keys at all times, one held and poised to strike at the ready just in case someone attacked me. I'm not just talking about in a parking lot or out walking or jogging alone, which is what women are encouraged to do as a safety precaution. I had my keys out and ready just in the grocery store or library.

Just about everyone who knows me now considers me to be a happy, well-adjusted person who is very optimistic. But just about everyone who knows me now considers me to also be very paranoid and needlessly worried about danger and attack. It is amazing to me that just by writing what happened to me on this blog is helping me to fully recover. Perhaps I just needed to acknowledge that in order to not be on offense mode all the time, to let the pervasive fear and underlying paranoia and sense of dread...go.

Subscribe to Beyond Battered by Email

Escaping the Abuse

I am getting my story out in bits and pieces...truthfully it is very hard to re-visit the mental state I was in at the time but I am finding it therapeutic.

I left after a 'minor' beating, meaning no skin breaking/bleeding,and no kicking. He 'just' pushed me into a wall, smacked me really hard several times and knocked me down. This was in response to him coming home and finding me on the phone. He had recently stopped taking the phone with him when he left and allowed me to use the phone again, so I thought it was ok to use the phone when he was gone. I was wrong in that belief and I paid for it that day.

I say this was a minor beating because prior to this much worse had occurred. I had been thrown down a flight of stairs and lost a baby, I had my head banged on the sidewalk leaving me with multiple fractures to my skull, and I had been held hostage, duct-taped, and threatened with a hatchet in front of our child. So why was the 'minor' beating the trigger for me to leave? One reason is it was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

A bigger reason was my daughter I-bop's response. Usually after he beat me he would storm out. I would cry and she, age 3 at the time, would rush to console me, hugging me and patting my face. I lived for those moments of kind touch from someone and felt my daughter was the only person who cared for me in the world. This time she looked at me sobbing and shook her head, and turned away. She actually turned her back on me, hunched her shoulders, and started playing with her toys. Her whole body language conveyed, You are a sorry woman and you get no more pity from me. It was like being doused with cold water. I saw clearly for the first time how it all was negatively affecting her. The hunched shoulders were a clear sign because that was how she was whenever he was around; all hunched over and afraid. It occurred to me that my child was also afraid of...me. and I understood why she would be, because she saw, at 3 years old, that she couldn't depend on me or trust me to keep her safe. She saw that I couldn't even keep my own self safe. I saw clearly for the first time that my child deserved better. My child deserved a chance.

More later...


Ok I'm back. I had to take a time out because the feelings overwhelmed me.

I wanted to talk about how to go about escaping an abuser. Professionals will tell you to have a safety plan and to go about it a certain way, because you are more likely to be killed if he catches you trying to leave him than at any other time. I agree with this, because the most severe beatings I got, including being chased down the street and having my head banged repeatedly on the sidewalk, were the result of me trying to escape him. But on the other hand, I felt trapped by all the escape advice because I had no way to follow the advice of the escape plans I was given.

That's how bad it had gotten, he was almost to the point of keeping me locked in entirely. I had no money, and in my confused thinking no where to go. I had allowed him to isolate me from my friends and family, and I thought no one cared about me at all. So I ditched the idea of biding my time and forming an escape plan, because I thought I didn't have that kind of time, that he would kill me or beat me so bad the next time I'd be disabled (the minor beatings were always followed by a short lull where he would be kind then a severe beating). So I made a decision to throw caution to the wind and just leave. I decided to go to my parents home and if they turned me away (I actually thought due to his brainwashing that my parents no longer loved me or cared about me), to go to a women's shelter. I packed a bag of our things and my daughter's little book bag and told her we were leaving. I told her we were going to go live at grandma and grandpa's for now. She asked after her dad with a scared look and fear in her voice. I told her it was ok, I would keep her safe. We were going to live at grandma and grandpa's and never coming back. Her smile lit up the room. She clapped her hands then quieted immediately, looking scared again when I told her he was gone and we'd have to leave right then.

We crept down the stairs hand in hand and out the back door. I didn't even know if he was still in the house but I was fairly sure he had left. Even still, I was more frightened than I had ever been in my life. What if he came back right at that moment? What if he hadn't left and was in another part of the house? We were silent, so silent we made not a sound as we crept down the stairs. Once we got outside I picked up my daughter and ran like the wind down the street. I heard a rumble that in my confusion sounded like thunder. My daughter said Mama, the bus! I looked behind me and there was a bus coming. I quickened my steps to the bus stop. The bus stopped and we got on. I stood at the meter silent, because I remembered I had no money. I felt very scared that the bus driver would not believe me and turn us away. I have no idea what my face looked like but I was crying and obviously distraught. everyone on the bus got quiet and stared at me. The bus driver asked me, Are you ok? My mouth moved and I tried to speak but I couldn't get any words out. My daughter cried out We're running from my daddy he's gonna kill my mommy! Hurry, We need to go to grandma and grandpa's house! Please hurry! The bus driver was silent for a moment then said Miss, please sit down.

I sat down and covered my face. Someone, I will never know who,
walked up the aisle, pressed my shoulder, and said It will be ok. Then they paid our fare and got off the bus. The bus started up. As it rumbled down the street I felt the barest glimmer of hope that we would actually get away. We would survive.

Resources that might help you plan your escape:

How to Escape Domestic Violence
Escape to Safety Before The Physical Abuse Starts
The Greatest Escape: Special for Victims of Domestic Violence
What You May Need to Escape

Recommended things to have prior to leaving:

Medical records
Address book
Insurance policies
Birth Certificates
Kids school and immunization records
ATM, and Credit Cards
Social Security Card
Passport or Green Card
Lease
Eye Glasses and Medications
Baby books and negatives of photos
Irreplaceable items, family heirlooms
Auto title and registration
Evidence of past abuse - police reports - restraining orders

I had none of these things, it was all replaceable. Except for my daughter's baby pictures...the only thing I miss are photos. But that's ok because we built a lifetime of photos of her life after we left. had we stayed or went back for those photos, I truly believe we'd be dead.

What Do You Say to a Willing Victim?

There is a woman on a mothering site I frequent who is being stalked and abused by her boyfriend's father. She lived with this man alone with her baby while her boyfriend was away at school. Then boyfriend dropped out or changed schools, anyway he came home. She has been posting about her experiences with this man since February/March of this year, and in this time the abuse has escalated. When it started to get dire her boyfriend told her he would end the relationship if she moved out, but then even he had enough.

It's affecting me so much because she is the same age I was (19) when the abusive situation I was in started to get bad. Well it was bad from the get but that was when I 'woke up' to how bad it was. This young woman even says some of the same things I did! So I strongly identify with what she is going through and I know it's just going to get worse. How bad has it got for her right now? She and boyfriend have at long last moved out of the father's home, but now

- Her boyfriend's father is stalking her by phone
- He made her drop out of college
- He is bipolar and according to her, off his meds
- He has threatened them
- He has implied/threatened to rape her
- and worse yet, she posted that they let him watch the baby (why???)and when he returned her to them she, the baby, had semen on her leg. WTF?? WHAT!? I told her unless she was lying then she should call the police, and another woman questioned if she was even a real person or just a troll making stuff up. She is steadfast in her feeling not to get the police involved about the sexual abuse or even to get a restraining order. She seems so helpless and unwilling to help herself. What do you say to someone who is a willing victim, and who lets their child be victimized unpunished? This is a horrible and tragic thing to have happened to this baby.

I think she needed to see that we took this seriously and know that it's a very bad and sick thing to have occurred. The shame is not on her or her baby, the shame is on this perverted, sick man.

I can understand why someone would think this was a troll because it just seems so unbelievable that anyone would have their baby returned to them with semen on their leg and not do anything about it. I would rather believe this was a troll who just wanted to see how far our credulity would stretch, but sadly I know it's possible because when I volunteered at a women's shelter years after leaving my abusive situation there were women there who never reported the sexual abuse of their children by their partners, from fondling to rubbing their penises on and ejaculating on, to vaginal and anal rape. You don't want to believe a mother would ignore or let something like this slide, but it happens. Unfortunately.

She also has a myriad of excuses for not calling the police, for not changing her phone number, for not moving to a secure location paid for by her stepfather. What do you say to someone who refuses to do what they can to be free from someone like this? Who seems stuck in crisis mode and fixated on being a victim? Who is so paralyzed by fear that they can't think straight?

There is nothing to say that will break through to this woman. I know how she feels, I have been there. I have decided to no longer post to anymore of her crisis threads about this man because I can't support someone sabotaging their life and seeming like a willing victim and not only offering up their child to be abused but being unwilling to protect or defend their own baby. They shouldn't have to think twice about calling the police or moving to safety now that their baby has been abused. But I do remember how terribly confusing this was. And now on top of his abuse of her, she has the pain of knowing her child was sexually abused. She and her boyfriend are in a mental fog because of all this... I know, it's so hard to know what to do. Then someone like me telling you what you should do seems like just another person trying to control you. I get it, I remember that feeling now. There is nothing I can say or do that will help her. I just wish there was some way to stop the even worse traumatic events that are likely to unfold.

Subscribe to Beyond Battered by Email

Why Did I Stay Part 1

When I think about being with somebody who abused me I wonder why I stayed. There are many reasons why, so many I need to break them up into separate posts. Here's one reason: I stayed because I had extremely low self-esteem and believed everything bad he said about me before he even said it. So when he said something nasty about me, it was like a confirmation. Isn't that sad? I already thought I was ugly, so when he told me I was ugly he was just verifying something I believed about myself. I already thought I was stupid, so when he told me I was stupid he was just verifying something I believed about myself. I already thought I was worthless, so when he told me I was worthless he was just verifying something I believed about myself. You see? For someone who has good self esteem and a positive self image, insults like that would be like a slap to the face and they would immediately tell someone who said this to them it was wrong and unacceptable. But for women like I used to be, when someone insults you like this...it just confirms everything you feel about yourself deep down inside.

I read this book call The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz. One of the things he wrote in it was: Nobody abuses us more than we abuse ourselves. If someone abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself, you will stay with that person. If someone abuses you more than you abuse yourself, you will walk away from that person. I think this is very true. It's painful to understand that I was, on some level, a willing participant in the abuse I experienced in that relationship, but it's something I need to acknowledge in order to fully heal and move forward.

If you are being abused, you need to ask yourself why you stay. Why you are a willing participant in a crazy, sick, and potentially lethal relationship.

Subscribe to Beyond Battered by Email

What Do You Want to See on this Blog?

I'd love to get suggestions and feedback about this blog including what you'd like to see. I'm going to start posting this query for feedback monthly, so if you don't have any suggestions right now but think of some later you can always let me know next month. I'm so excited about this blog because it allows me to express on things that are a big part of my life! as well as help other people. Let me know what you'd like to see here!

Subscribe to Beyond Battered by Email