Tired of Feeling Haunted

You know the real reason I started this blog? It is because I am tired of feeling haunted by this experience. I'm tired of the flashbacks and the quiet uneasy feeling of never feeling safe. I started sleep with a knife under my pillow again, and I begged my husband to keep a gun in the house. I don't even 'like' guns but there it is.

When I left this man I told myself I would never be willingly victimized by him again, that I would try my best to fight back. He told me over and over and over again that if I left him he would find me and kill me. He told me that there was no where on this earth I could go where he couldn't find me and kill me. This man hated me then and probably hates me now, and assured me many times that he wanted nothing more than to destroy me.

After telling me how he would kill me if I left, he would often turn cheerful.

As if what he said was some big declaration of love, and not insanity.

I have built a happy life in the 15 years since I left. For a couple of years after I left him I lived in watchful fear, then I felt like if he's gonna get me, he's gonna get me. I can at least try to live a happy life. I slowly built up my self esteem. I got therapy. I volunteered at a women's shelter. I dated again, and eventually met my husband. I went to college and started writing.

Everything seemed ok. But last year I had women friends and family involved in violent relationships. I had to tell them I couldn't support their decision to stay as I could not involve myself in such craziness. It triggered a lot of bad memories for me...demons I thought I'd long exorcised.

I am considering getting counseling for this again. It is my hope that finally writing my story will help ease my mind. I've only told bits and pieces. But I need to understand why this happened to me and get closure on it. Some things are unspeakable but I will try to write what I can.

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The First Time He Pushed Me

It was December 1989 and cold. We were on the highway driving back from somewhere in his old rusty car when the car started making noises. He pulled over and the car rattled to a stop. He got out and started messing around under the hood. Then he came back to the car and told me we needed to walk to the next exit and get anti-freeze or something like that. I told him I wanted to wait in the car with the baby as the car would still at least turn on and emit heat.

He said No, come on, it's just a few minutes. So we're walking and walking down the highway, I'm holding our daughter who at the time was 6 months old, when I realized where we were and just how far the next exit was. I stopped and told him I wanted to go back and wait in the car. He told me No, come on. I repeat myself, he repeats himself. He does not seem especially mad, just kinda tired and slightly annoyed.

Then out of nowhere he pushes me down. As I fell I clutched my daughter and tried to roll so my body would cushion her from harm. I landed on my backside with my feet sticking in the air. I was so shocked. I didn't quite understand what had happened. I looked up at him with what must have been a shocked and quizzical look, because he said That's right, I knocked you down. Now you're going to listen to me. He pulled me up and started yelling in my face. I panicked, and with a common sense that was later to leave me for a couple of years, took off up the hill on the side of the highway. He stood at the bottom yelling for me to come down, then slowly started climbing after me. I kept backing up, still holding my baby.

I remember looking at all the cars whizzing by and wondering why no one stopped to help me. He caught up with me and I gave up. He dragged me down the hill and marched me down the road. Suddenly there were bright lights flashing behind us...it was a cop. Someone had called in that they saw us on the side of of the highway; they saw him push me and were concerned.

The cop asked us what happened. I didn't say anything. Then he asked me if I was ok and if I wanted a ride home or to call my parents. I said no. He looked at me for a long time, then snapped his walkie down into the holder. He told us Wait right here and went back to his car. My then-boyfriend looked at me and mouthed the words Thank You. I felt relieved and knew he wouldn't be mad at me anymore. It was like I totally forgot all about being pushed down while holding the baby, and totally forgot my terror in trying to get away from him on that hill.

That was the first time he pushed me. There were many more pushes to come.
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Should You Intervene When You Hear a Couple Fighting?

What should you do if you hear a couple physically fighting? Should you intervene? You may feel that if you don't do something, the woman's safety and very life is your responsibility.

Look at it like this: if you can hear them fighting then it's not really you 'listening in' or being nosy. It's them putting their business out there. In most cases this is a grown woman, not a child, so truly the responsibility for her situation is on her. That is a huge deal of her, and him, putting her safety within their relationship on your shoulders, on your head. That is not right or fair of either of them, but people who engage in violent relationships are both so messed up that they don't see that is what they are doing: making you feel responsible for her safety because he can't control himself and she won't leave.

You have to understand something about women who are involved in abusive relationships. There are 2 main types: those who see themselves as helpless victims who feel they can't do anything to help themselves or their situation and who want someone else to come rescue them (I was this type), and those who don't see themselves as victims nor want rescue and who feel their partner is not abusing them but simply fighting with them. They see themselves as active participants in a fight, you see?

Both types of women in abusive relationships, the majority of which are with men, are highly resistant to help of any kind and both are highly resistant to taking any sort of responsibility for what is happening to them. This is understandable as both are...currently not right in the head, they are living through stress which affect their mental stability and emotional stability. Both seem unable to see that they are actively participating in a sick relationship that may claim their very life.

If you cross paths with a woman in this situation, try asking her flat-out, Is he hitting you? or Are you in a violent relationship? at the very least this will make her aware that other people know...this in and of itself is a powerful trigger for many women in violent relationships to start thinking about getting out. When no one but your abuser knows what is happening, it is very easy to pretend to yourself that nothing bad is going on and to revise abusive words and events in your head to make it ok, but when other people know you are getting hit you can't pretend to yourself anymore. That was my experience, and when I was in group counseling after I left the abusive relationship I heard similar thoughts from other women who had been in violent relationships.

Trula's Domestic Violence Commenting Policy

This blog is powered by blogger but you do not have to be a blogger member in order to comment. I do have word verification (a picture of letters and/or numbers will come up when you add a comment and you have to enter their sequence) turned on to weed out spam bots. While I allow most comments keep in mind I have the right to delete any comment I find hateful, distasteful, crass, or ugly in any way, and whether directed towards me or any other person. I don't get a lot of comments right now but if there is a surge in commenting I will turn on moderation.

In short, be civil if you can't be nice, and act like you have some sense. There is no reason to communicate on the internet any differently than you would offline. Thank you for visiting! If you like my blog subscribe to the feed. Don't know what that is? Then go old-school and bookmark this site.

About Trula & the Beyond Battered Blog

My name is Trula Breckenridge. I was in an abusive relationship ages 16-20. Fifteen years later, I am still coming to terms with what happened to me. This blog is part of my recovery. I also hope to help other women in this situation. The Domestic Violence blog is hosted by MSPmedia, my biz site.

The following entries will be in various formats; news, poetry, flat-out journaling of particular events. I will also post resources and information about partner battery, domestic violence, counseling, shelter information, and judicial resources available. There is so much help out there now, you don't have to live this way. When I was first getting stalked there weren't even stalking laws! A lot has changed in the United States, but the fact that so many women are in domestic violence situations shows that tragically, a lot has stayed the same.

Ok, deep breath. I'm ready to begin.