I Remember Isolation
A huge sign that you are in an abusive relationship is that the person abusing you tries to isolate you. This is usually before any physical violence has started, but not always. In my case it was before he started hitting me. Why didn't I see this as a sign or at the very least, why didn't I think this was crazy or odd for him to twig out whenever I wanted to spend time with my family and friends? Hmmmmmm...I remember thinking that he must really love me to want to spend so much time with me. Before he got physically violent and just flat-out forbade me from seeing my family and friends, he would try to convince me from seeing or talking to them by putting them down and/or telling me that they didn't really like me or care about me. I remember thinking that he must really care about me to be so watchful and concerned with how other people viewed me and treated me. In some cases he wasn't far off or even being irrational; one of my friends at the time had 'stolen' two boyfriends from me before and some members of my family did disrespect me and talk bad about me. My parents had not done a good job at keeping me safe while growing up. But rather than encourage me to develop healthy relationships with any of these people or develop decent personal boundaries for myself, he amplified the sense of paranoia and personal shame I felt about myself to suit his own ends of making me a possession.
The isolation intensified after he got physically violent. Then the violence intensified the more and more isolated from other people I got. If he could not or would not go anywhere with me, I wasn't allowed to go. At the end the only place I was allowed to go by myself was to my part-time job, and that was only because he took my pay so it was like free money for him. One time my mother was in the hospital and he refused to let me go by myself. First he didn't believe she was really in the hospital, then he didn't believe I would go to the hospital; I'd sneak off somewhere else to be with some other man. Then he believed if I did go I would start talking to some man at the hospital. He had a great fear of me talking to men, even a doctor in a hospital about my mother's condition. Because he saw me as a thing he owned, because he could do whatever he wanted to me without any repercussions, because he saw I had no control at all in my 'relationship' with him, he felt I had no control of myself period, with anybody. He would say that often; that any man could come up to me and say anything and I'd go off and have sex with them. He had no trust or belief in me whatsoever and would say the most terrible things about me, over and over.
I really think the job I had at the time helped save my sanity, because it was the only place I had to go where he could not come in and run me down. I would go to work and pretend like I had a normal life. I could talk to other people who didn't seem to think I was this ugly, disgusting, horrible, nasty, slutty creature. This animal who deserved to be spit on and beaten and locked away. Then I'd go home to him and hear this and worse, for hours sometimes.
If you are going through this you know exactly what I mean...probably nothing I can say will help you see that what he says is not true. You will have to break free of the isolation you have allowed someone else to put you in. You can set yourself free. I did, and have not looked back.
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The isolation intensified after he got physically violent. Then the violence intensified the more and more isolated from other people I got. If he could not or would not go anywhere with me, I wasn't allowed to go. At the end the only place I was allowed to go by myself was to my part-time job, and that was only because he took my pay so it was like free money for him. One time my mother was in the hospital and he refused to let me go by myself. First he didn't believe she was really in the hospital, then he didn't believe I would go to the hospital; I'd sneak off somewhere else to be with some other man. Then he believed if I did go I would start talking to some man at the hospital. He had a great fear of me talking to men, even a doctor in a hospital about my mother's condition. Because he saw me as a thing he owned, because he could do whatever he wanted to me without any repercussions, because he saw I had no control at all in my 'relationship' with him, he felt I had no control of myself period, with anybody. He would say that often; that any man could come up to me and say anything and I'd go off and have sex with them. He had no trust or belief in me whatsoever and would say the most terrible things about me, over and over.
I really think the job I had at the time helped save my sanity, because it was the only place I had to go where he could not come in and run me down. I would go to work and pretend like I had a normal life. I could talk to other people who didn't seem to think I was this ugly, disgusting, horrible, nasty, slutty creature. This animal who deserved to be spit on and beaten and locked away. Then I'd go home to him and hear this and worse, for hours sometimes.
If you are going through this you know exactly what I mean...probably nothing I can say will help you see that what he says is not true. You will have to break free of the isolation you have allowed someone else to put you in. You can set yourself free. I did, and have not looked back.
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Labels: isolation, screaming, verbal abuse
posted by Trula at
5:21 PM
2 Comments:
YES. Just found your blog. And yes. I know. I've been out for six years and it still takes my breath away to remember.
And I accepted the isolation because I tend to be a homebody and I lack the confidence to get out there. I used to think strangers were judging me, watching me, thinking bad thoughts about me...so I stayed home.
I think my ex did it because he lacked confidence in himself. He was afraid of losing me. He had no idea how to develop true love with me...to him it was all about badgering me into doing what he wanted. And the badgering intensified the more I resisted. And he is incapable of seeing beyond his own needs. He had no idea that anyone had a self of their own.
A friend told me once that my ex saw all of us a paper dolls. Flat things that he could take out and play with when he wanted to, but that we were flat and lifeless the minute he moved his attention elsewhere. He didn't realize we were "real". I think she was right.
Yes, this man was like that also. It was like he didn't think I was a real person, or if he did, he didn't think my thoughts and feelings were real or of any importance. I've often wondered what caused him to be this way.
I'm glad you are out of it!
{{{hugs}}}
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