Addicted to Toxicity
When I think back on the abusive relationship I was in, I wonder at how addicted we were to the sickness that permeated out relationship. I often claimed to fear him and hate him and want to get away from him. He often claimed to hate me and want to kill me; it was like I was a roach he wanted to stomp flat. Yet and still when others suggested that we separate and leave each other alone we each responded as if they were crazy and wanted to tear us apart; we would become hysterical and melodramatic about how 'in love' we were and how we couldn't live without the other.
Why?
We were toxic together, and so emotionally ill neither of us could see it. I know I couldn't see it. I felt I had no responsibility at all for the relationship. If I thought about it at all I felt I was a helpless victim. When the violence got bad enough to break through the fog I was living in I felt so passive and helpless, it was like, What's the point of leaving? He's just going to follow me and kill me and our daughter. If I stay, I am keeping her safe. You may wonder how I could have thought I was keeping her safe given that this man did things like hold me upside down hanging outside a window from three flights up and tying me and threatening me with a hatchet in front of her. In my head he was like an act of nature; a hurricane, or flood or earthquake that would do much worse if I dared to leave.
Then there were the 'good' times of non-violence. One day he'd be knocking me down and the next we'd cook a nice meal together and laugh and joke like a normal couple. Crazy! At times like these I convinced myself that we could make it work and that he was finally done with being abusive. Sometimes during a period such as this he would be in an expansive mood and allow me to use the phone or go see my family or friends. I would call them up or go see them and wonder why all they ever wanted to talk about was me leaving him. I would tell them he had changed, everything was all right now. And at the time I sincerely believed it.
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Why?
We were toxic together, and so emotionally ill neither of us could see it. I know I couldn't see it. I felt I had no responsibility at all for the relationship. If I thought about it at all I felt I was a helpless victim. When the violence got bad enough to break through the fog I was living in I felt so passive and helpless, it was like, What's the point of leaving? He's just going to follow me and kill me and our daughter. If I stay, I am keeping her safe. You may wonder how I could have thought I was keeping her safe given that this man did things like hold me upside down hanging outside a window from three flights up and tying me and threatening me with a hatchet in front of her. In my head he was like an act of nature; a hurricane, or flood or earthquake that would do much worse if I dared to leave.
Then there were the 'good' times of non-violence. One day he'd be knocking me down and the next we'd cook a nice meal together and laugh and joke like a normal couple. Crazy! At times like these I convinced myself that we could make it work and that he was finally done with being abusive. Sometimes during a period such as this he would be in an expansive mood and allow me to use the phone or go see my family or friends. I would call them up or go see them and wonder why all they ever wanted to talk about was me leaving him. I would tell them he had changed, everything was all right now. And at the time I sincerely believed it.
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Labels: stuck in crisis mode, understanding, victimhood
posted by Trula at
12:46 AM
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