Valuing Young Black Parents in the Hood

Let me say upfront: I do think most teens can't handle parenthood due to the culture we live in i.e delayed childhood. But this is extending well into the 20s, so much so that there is a perception that women in their 20s are 'too young' to have kids. It's gotten to the point where folks are waiting until they are in their mid-30s or later, when it is more physically difficult for women to get pregnant than when they were in their teens and 20s.

It's not 'ancient history' that it was common in the US for women to marry and begin families in their teens. Most Americans are 2 generations or less from that. Ask your grandparents or other elderly relatives you have about it.

The low rate of marriage in our communities is an issue. I am not sure why black Americans begin to devalue marriage, but our marriage rates have been steadily declining since the late 1960s. But while I do think it is very important to raise kids in a marriage, I am not going to knock the unmarried sisters having babies because at least they are having babies! the birth rate among older (over 35), college educated, financially stable, high income black folks is very low, even among married folks in this class/income/bracket. I do think that some of this has to do with so many women not knowing/understanding that their fertility drastically decreases with age. I know women my age (35) and older who don't have kids who think all they have to do is stop taking the pill and poof! they will get pregnant right away. Then when they do try to get pregnant, they are angry and surprised that it doesn't happen. Had they known at an earlier age, they might have made different decisions regarding having children. At the very least they would have been informed.

I don't think it is wrong or smug to be alarmed at the fact that it is the poor, the unmarried, the young among us black people who are reproducing. I do think it is wrong and smug if you think 'those people' are operating inside a bubble...the reasons why are often caused or influenced by outside forces. I don't think it is smug to state hey I'm 27 (or whatever) and don't have any kids. I do think it is smug to act as if you are better than your people who are not, as if their child is a mistake.

What I dislike is the attitude among so many of our 'educated' and 'upwardly mobile' people that children are a burden, a drain, and unimportant to us as a people or unimportant to our culture. They are our future! and parents or not we should look a them with love, not disgust. Those of us that have the education and the 'know-how' should be helping folks raise these kids in the form of volunteering at schools and community centers, mentoring and stuff like that, instead of looking down our noses at their parents, making wack assumptions about how they value life and what they want for their kids, and humphing about how 'those people' shouldn't be having kids. The ones that 'should' be having kids aren't, so why metaphorically crap on those who are? Why write them and their children off as losers? These are our people,our folks!

and yes I take this personal because I am that black mother

I had my first child at 17, second at 22, and when I was 25 I was pregnant with my 3rd child. I looked much younger, and though I was living with my now husband we weren't married at the time (we got married when our son was 18 months old). We were quite poor. We had one raggedy car we traded off and on. My husband had to get to work in order to take care of us all, so often if I wanted to go somewhere I had to take the bus or train. I did hear black folks on the bus saying nasty things about me and my children, like "Look at her, she can't be more than 20 with all them kids and pregnant again, what a damn shame." Something in my soul cried out then and it does now at the cruelty involved in that judgment. So when I see or hear black people folks talking about unmarried black women with 3 and 4 kids and pregnant again, it hurts my heart because you are describing me! Or when I hear these same folks saying that teenagers and young adults who have kids don't value life or whatever, I'm like whaaaaat? How can you assume I or they don't value life, what are you talking about.

I just would like folks to hold off on judging young black mothers they see and realize that you can't assume anything at all about her, especially how much she values life or loves her children. And that black mom should be respected, especially when she and others like her are the ones actually bearing most of the next generation of black folks in America. This is of great and important value. You need to look within yourself to figure out why you see these mothers and children as a drain on society when they are our future. Think about how you can contribute to helping black children come up in your community. Stop looking down your nose and take action.