Why Did I Stay Part 1

When I think about being with somebody who abused me I wonder why I stayed. There are many reasons why, so many I need to break them up into separate posts. Here's one reason: I stayed because I had extremely low self-esteem and believed everything bad he said about me before he even said it. So when he said something nasty about me, it was like a confirmation. Isn't that sad? I already thought I was ugly, so when he told me I was ugly he was just verifying something I believed about myself. I already thought I was stupid, so when he told me I was stupid he was just verifying something I believed about myself. I already thought I was worthless, so when he told me I was worthless he was just verifying something I believed about myself. You see? For someone who has good self esteem and a positive self image, insults like that would be like a slap to the face and they would immediately tell someone who said this to them it was wrong and unacceptable. But for women like I used to be, when someone insults you like this...it just confirms everything you feel about yourself deep down inside.

I read this book call The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz. One of the things he wrote in it was: Nobody abuses us more than we abuse ourselves. If someone abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself, you will stay with that person. If someone abuses you more than you abuse yourself, you will walk away from that person. I think this is very true. It's painful to understand that I was, on some level, a willing participant in the abuse I experienced in that relationship, but it's something I need to acknowledge in order to fully heal and move forward.

If you are being abused, you need to ask yourself why you stay. Why you are a willing participant in a crazy, sick, and potentially lethal relationship.

Subscribe to Beyond Battered by Email