I Am Not a Strong Woman

I wish I were a strong woman, but I am not. I don't think I have the inner strength and mental stability that most women have. Part of the reason I stayed with the man who abused me was because I was not strong. I was so afraid of the world, of making decisions, of trying, of being responsible for myself and my actions. Since he controlled everything I did, then nothing that went wrong was my fault, you see? In a way it was a relief, to hand over control of my life to this man. I don't know if it was because of all the stuff prior to him that happened to me, I don't know if it was just because I was too young to be involved in an intense sexual relationship, or what, but when it was happening at first I felt a tremendous sense of relief at having found someone who would buffer me and protect me from the world. As long as I did what he said everything would be ok and I'd be safe...some where along the line I realized that no matter what I did he would find an excuse to hit me. But before that happened, I tried so hard! to do everything exactly the way he wanted me to.

I still struggle with feelings of weakness and inadequacy but I know now that I don't have to be strong to be an adult, that the way I feel sometimes is normal. Everyone gets scared and feels overwhelmed by all that having adult responsibilities entails. And part of being an adult means being resilient, being able to move on.

You don't have to be strong to leave. You can do this! I know it is hard and can seem so very overwhelming. But you can do it, even when you don't feel strong. You don't need strength to do this, truthfully if I had waited to be strong I would probably still be stuck. You just need to make an action plan and follow it through. Just put one foot in front of the other.

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