The Four Agreements

I have been a fan of don Miguel Ruiz for a long time. One book he wrote is The Four Agreements and it gives you 4 very powerful tactics for relating to other people. I have found it to be very helpful for me as I grow and develop as a person. don Miguel Ruiz is a wonderful person whose words have had a tremendous impact on my consciousness. I am not saying any of these things are easy to do...on the contrary I struggle all the time with doing these things. But just trying to live my life by the four agreements, even when I fall short, has improved my life in a profound way. Trying to live by them has eased my suffering and sensitivity to life and other people enormously, in particular to being a black person.

From the book:
"Everything we do is based on agreements we have made - agreements with ourselves, with other people, with God, with life. But the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves. In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible. One single agreement is not such a problem, but we have many agreements that come from fear, deplete our energy, and diminish our self-worth."

"In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible."

In this powerful book that has remained on The New York Times Bestseller List for over five years, don Miguel reveals the source of self-limiting beliefs that rob us of joy and create needless suffering. When we are ready to change these agreements, there are four deceptively simple, yet powerful agreements that we can adopt as guiding principles. The Four Agreements offer a powerful code of conduct that can rapidly transform our lives to a new experience of freedom, true happiness, and love.

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
This is very important within the black experience because we spend so much time tearing each other down and using our words to demean ourselves and other black people. For example look at how some rap artists use negative words to portray themselves and other black people. They say they really don’t think all black women are whores, or that they really don’t want to kill other black men. Yet these are the words they use to express themselves about their people. If they chose to be impeccable with their word, they would not use their words to put themselves or anybody else down.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
This is so true. In our culture particularly there is a predominating over-sensitivity to the words of others. We have young people killing each other over words, and entire black families who cannot communicate effectively with each other. You cannot control what anybody else says or does, so why take what they say so personally that you allow it to destroy your self esteem or ruin your day? When someone says something negative to you, you can choose to not let it get to you.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
This is perhaps the single most important agreement to follow as a black person. While we all know racism does exist and manifests itself in a myriad of ways, we also know there are times when we assume an action or comment from a non-black person is racist. It may be, but unless it is a serious comment or action, ask yourself if it’s worth your while to assume every little negative comment or action from a non-black person is about you being black. For example, I saw a black woman going off at a gas station clerk for not turning on the gas pump from the inside so she could pump her gas. She assumed the white clerk thought she wouldn’t pay or didn’t have a credit card and so was forcing her to come into the station. This wasn’t the case, actually the pump handle was recently broken. The store was very busy and the clerk was overwhelmed and did not have time yet to go put up a sign on that pump informing people. Had the woman not assumed the clerk was a racist, she could have saved herself from getting all worked up and also stopped herself from looking foolish.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
There was a time in African American culture when doing our best was a hallmark of our culture. Now it seems as if it’s an after-thought. And when questioned on this, the first thing we do is blame racism. Do not allow racism to control your thoughts and actions. Do not allow racism to define you; to tell you who you are and what you are capable of. You have it in you to do your best; you can indeed strive for perfection. While perfection is an unobtainable goal, working towards it can produce stellar results. If we all do this individually, collectively we will improve things for black people as a whole.
http://www.miguelruiz.com/fouragreements.html