Multiple Kids with Multiple Men
Say it loud
I HAVE 3 KIDS BY 3 MEN
and I'm proud
the funny thing is, when I explain the how and why, most folks are usually like oh you poor thing! and view me as a good woman and mother as opposed to the slut/bad woman and mother who doesn't deserve her kids. When I was younger I was all into clearing that up right quick with folks, but then I got tired of explaining or defending myself and falling into believing the madonna/whore syndrome had any merit.
and for folks who still wanted to label me a whore/bad woman/bad mother/whatever, they also changed their tune once I pointed out that IF I HAD ADOPTED 3 KIDS BY NOT ONLY 3 DIFFERENT FATHERS BUT 3 DIFFERENT MOTHERS AS WELL no one would consider me a whore, slut, bad woman, immoral person, doesn't deserve to keep her kids, etc. On the contrary, I would be a 'saint' and an exemplary example of motherhood and sacrifice.
but KEEPING my kids by 3 different fathers makes me a bad person, right. eff that!
Oh yeah, let's not forget how if you have even just one kid and break up with the father, you ought to be grateful to any man who deals with you after that. If you have 2 kids by 2 different men and manage to snag a husband let alone another baby daddy, folx act like you ought to kiss his feet in gratitude every night for being willing to deal with your skanky self let alone take on taking care of you and your kids.
I'm telling you, both my family and Brian's family acted like he was the effing shining knight on the effing white horse come to rescue me from what they believed was the pit of single mother whoredom and tragedy. That's a big reason it took me 3 years to marry him, I didn't ever want him to throw that in my face in the heat of an argument or whatever, and he never has.
I know this woman who just finished her degree, it took her 11 years (took me 15) and she had 4 kids by 4 fathers throughout her college career. The first father beat her up all the time (just like my first baby daddy with me), the second one died in an accident, the 3rd one repeatedly cheated on her, and she married the 4th one. She worked a full-time job all through school to take care of her kids, saved and scrimped and bought a house and graduated college, yet her husband is what her family is most proud of.
Now some might say, thinking that this is a compliment, that being a single mother is all about strength. Which for some women it is I guess. The thing with me though, is that I was not and am not strong. I struggled being a single mother. I had a really really really difficult time. I deeply wanted and needed a partner, I recognized that. But at no time was I a whore; I never once had sex for money from anybody. I am still puzzled why this is a stereotype of single mothers! I mean I understand why people believe this, but why the persistence of this belief has lingered so long is mind-boggling. and my pathetic attempts at being sexually 'liberated' were full of repercussions and short-lived, so I can't even say I was a slut or a tramp for long. Yet this is what people assumed of me, thought if me, expected of me. and people felt that I no longer had any right to have more children after the 2nd baby and no husband, as if to do so wouldn't be 'decent'.
Before I got with Brian I had a couple of serious offers of marriage from other guys, and my family, especially my mom, was livid that I turned them down. My mother even said after I turned down the 2nd guy (he was 46, I was 23, he never had children and wanted me to immediately begin having more even though my son Scott was just a baby when we started dating. um, no thanks) How do you expect to ever get a husband? Who do you think would want to be with you, that may have been your only chance! I was too through, stunned at her vehemence. What in the underworld! She later apologized but still. It was like not only did she feel that no one would want me, but also that I was being naive to expect love and respect in a marriage. Like what man is ever going to respect a 'whore', right.
at any rate no matter how hard a time I had while being a single mother I wasn't going to sell myself and my kids out like that. It was at that time that I began to understand the financial aspects of what marriage means in this culture (heck in every culture) for women, the whole sex/respect/money/class thing. It it ok to be a married 'whore' i.e have sex with just one man who financially supports you as long as you are married and bearing just his children, but not ok to be an unmarried 'whore' i.e having sex with a man or men who financially supports you and bearing children with them. The unspoken assumption is that if you don't have a husband to support you, you must be getting money from some man, some where, some time. Hence the whole single mother = whore. People really believe this, even when they know you have a full-time job or are getting assistance from the state. You still must be getting money from some man in exchange for sex. Mind-boggling, I tell ya.
Multiple Kids w/Multiple Men Part 2
I HAVE 3 KIDS BY 3 MEN
and I'm proud
the funny thing is, when I explain the how and why, most folks are usually like oh you poor thing! and view me as a good woman and mother as opposed to the slut/bad woman and mother who doesn't deserve her kids. When I was younger I was all into clearing that up right quick with folks, but then I got tired of explaining or defending myself and falling into believing the madonna/whore syndrome had any merit.
and for folks who still wanted to label me a whore/bad woman/bad mother/whatever, they also changed their tune once I pointed out that IF I HAD ADOPTED 3 KIDS BY NOT ONLY 3 DIFFERENT FATHERS BUT 3 DIFFERENT MOTHERS AS WELL no one would consider me a whore, slut, bad woman, immoral person, doesn't deserve to keep her kids, etc. On the contrary, I would be a 'saint' and an exemplary example of motherhood and sacrifice.
but KEEPING my kids by 3 different fathers makes me a bad person, right. eff that!
Oh yeah, let's not forget how if you have even just one kid and break up with the father, you ought to be grateful to any man who deals with you after that. If you have 2 kids by 2 different men and manage to snag a husband let alone another baby daddy, folx act like you ought to kiss his feet in gratitude every night for being willing to deal with your skanky self let alone take on taking care of you and your kids.
I'm telling you, both my family and Brian's family acted like he was the effing shining knight on the effing white horse come to rescue me from what they believed was the pit of single mother whoredom and tragedy. That's a big reason it took me 3 years to marry him, I didn't ever want him to throw that in my face in the heat of an argument or whatever, and he never has.
I know this woman who just finished her degree, it took her 11 years (took me 15) and she had 4 kids by 4 fathers throughout her college career. The first father beat her up all the time (just like my first baby daddy with me), the second one died in an accident, the 3rd one repeatedly cheated on her, and she married the 4th one. She worked a full-time job all through school to take care of her kids, saved and scrimped and bought a house and graduated college, yet her husband is what her family is most proud of.
Now some might say, thinking that this is a compliment, that being a single mother is all about strength. Which for some women it is I guess. The thing with me though, is that I was not and am not strong. I struggled being a single mother. I had a really really really difficult time. I deeply wanted and needed a partner, I recognized that. But at no time was I a whore; I never once had sex for money from anybody. I am still puzzled why this is a stereotype of single mothers! I mean I understand why people believe this, but why the persistence of this belief has lingered so long is mind-boggling. and my pathetic attempts at being sexually 'liberated' were full of repercussions and short-lived, so I can't even say I was a slut or a tramp for long. Yet this is what people assumed of me, thought if me, expected of me. and people felt that I no longer had any right to have more children after the 2nd baby and no husband, as if to do so wouldn't be 'decent'.
Before I got with Brian I had a couple of serious offers of marriage from other guys, and my family, especially my mom, was livid that I turned them down. My mother even said after I turned down the 2nd guy (he was 46, I was 23, he never had children and wanted me to immediately begin having more even though my son Scott was just a baby when we started dating. um, no thanks) How do you expect to ever get a husband? Who do you think would want to be with you, that may have been your only chance! I was too through, stunned at her vehemence. What in the underworld! She later apologized but still. It was like not only did she feel that no one would want me, but also that I was being naive to expect love and respect in a marriage. Like what man is ever going to respect a 'whore', right.
at any rate no matter how hard a time I had while being a single mother I wasn't going to sell myself and my kids out like that. It was at that time that I began to understand the financial aspects of what marriage means in this culture (heck in every culture) for women, the whole sex/respect/money/class thing. It it ok to be a married 'whore' i.e have sex with just one man who financially supports you as long as you are married and bearing just his children, but not ok to be an unmarried 'whore' i.e having sex with a man or men who financially supports you and bearing children with them. The unspoken assumption is that if you don't have a husband to support you, you must be getting money from some man, some where, some time. Hence the whole single mother = whore. People really believe this, even when they know you have a full-time job or are getting assistance from the state. You still must be getting money from some man in exchange for sex. Mind-boggling, I tell ya.
Multiple Kids w/Multiple Men Part 2
Labels: Mothers, Trula Uplift
posted by Trula at
5:24 PM
21 Comments:
HA! Go you, Trula Mama, you rock. I have -- get this -- 11 kids by three different men. Seven of my kids are grown now; I have four still at home. I always felt ashamed about it-- even though there was nothing for me to be ashamed of. My first husband beat the shit out of me and when I left him, he tried to kill me and went to prison for the rest of his life (and died there). I lasted 19 years in my second abusive marriage, and part of the reason for that idiocy was, I didn't want a second divorce! After I divorced that husband, everybody said, "Who is going to want you with nine kids?" Whatever. I remarried right after my divorce was final. My thinking turned around because increasingly, I began thinking like a feminist, but also because one day I was talking about all of this with my grown daughter and she said, "Oh! I always thought it was cool that you had kids by different men. Kind of like what men do." So true! Everybody winks, winks, nudges, nudges over men who are fathering kids all over the place but you are so right, as women, we pay if we color outside of those particular lines.
I don't know though. I wish when everybody was asking me who would want me with nine kids, I'd have said, "Who cares?!" Because men are just not all of *that*. Something it took me way too many years to figure out.
Anyway. Go you, Trula Mama. :)
Heart
thanks heart! I appreciate that, I'm glad you liked it. 11 kids is something, that is tremendous! I am considering having at least one more myself.
Women like us are out there and we should no longer be silent and ashamed. I think people forget or don't realize that I love my children just as much as I would if they all had the same father. I am, after all, all of their mother!
Thank you so much for posting this.
When ppl find out the I was a single mom, then got pregnant w/ my 2nd by another man in my late 30's (I should KNOW better right? lol) And then got married 2 wks before the baby was born. I HAD to get married, ugh. I got married because I wanted to, it really had nothing to do w/ being preg.
anyway, I could go on and on and while my husband has never thrown it in my face ... my inlaws slap me around w/ it pretty much every time I see them.
Thanks, Kat!
I hear you, the in-law issue is a thorny one. I am lucky in that my husband's mother was also a single mother with 2 kids when got with his step-father...but even still she initially didn't like the fact he was with me for that reason; even warned him about it.
I stumbled across this blog, and I love it!!!! I'm a single mother of two, and I think it's great when I see other single mothers that are so positive. Definitely going to bookmark your blog.
Oh man, you guys seem really lucky from my point of view and I'm not talking about the finding a man after having kids with another man part. I have a child that resulted from a relationship in my young adult life. That relationship didn't last and he and I are both comfortable with that. Now that I'm several years into my relationship with my spouse, we'd love to make him Baby Daddy #2. Unfortunately, my cancer makes that an impossibility now and perhaps for the rest of my life. So, since he and I both want to raise a bunch of kids, I kinda wish that I'd had a few more babies in the time between my first one and when I met him.
I grew up in a family of twelve kids thanks to the combining of children from two first-marriages and you know what? It was great!! I wish that I could find a way to have a family that size. My spouse doesn't have any biological children nor do any of his siblings so my daughter is the only kid on that side of the family. During the holidays and vacations, it can get pretty messy deciding who's going to get to do all of the stuff that one's aunts and grandmothers like to do with the little ones. It might not be so bad if it were just his family involved but there's also my family and the family of her bio-dad all vying for a turn. I wish I had a few more kids that I could spread around evenly amongst everyone so that no one gets left feeling less-liked.
I've been a single parent, and I also went through a similar experience as you did with your family when it came to being choosy about who to spend the rest of your life with. I spent several years in a relationship with one man and I desperately wanted that relationship to progress to marriage but when it finally got to the point where he wanted it to, I no longer did because I could see that it wouldn't be in my best interests even if it had solved every financial issue I faced as a single mother.
I'm glad that I held out for the right guy but I know that even if I had made bunches of kids before that, I wouldn't regret it one bit and it wouldn't have negatively affected whether my spouse would have been attracted to me.
Thank you nina! I am married now, though, been married since '99. I married baby #3's daddy.
:)
Bint Alshamsa, I hope for you a speedy recovery including your fertility.
I also grew up in a big family, so 3 kids seems like a small family to me.
I too think women who have children from different men should not feel ashamed or be silent. I am a man that does not have children so I don't face the things that women face daily. I like what heart said about men having kids from different women because its true that not much is said about that. Shouldn't men be exposed to the same treatment as women face? (that's a whole another topic, I know) It's definitely not fair. About finding someone when you have children, I wouldn't know but keep trying, there are some good guys out there, not all guys are bad. When a mature man sees a woman with her children, I think it tells a lot and I myself find that special. Immature men may not see it that way. Just a comment from a regular guy :)
thanks adam! I appreciate that.
If I could reach out and hug you, girl, you would be struggling to breathe right now.
I had my daughter when I was 17. I remember everyone telling me my life was over. So much of being a single mom is proving everyone else wrong. My daughter, now 9, is top of her class, reading at a 9th grade level. Damn straight I'm proud! lol I could sing it from the roof tops. I had my son when I was 21, and even though his daddy would have married me on the spot, we waited until our son was almost a year old to get married. For the same reasons you waited, I had to know it was right. I wasn't "looking" for a father for my daughter, I wasn't just going to take any man who stumbled along and offered.
Good for you to wait to get married. I've seen so many marriages end in painful divorces with ugly custody battles, and that's far harder on kids than "living without a father."
I remember back in high school, I knew girls who had had abortions and were extremely sexually active. But as soon as my belly started to show, I was the tramp. You carry the symbol of your sexual activity with you every day, and people think they can use it against you. But the thing is, I'm not ashamed. I never have been. And being ashamed or regretting is a waste of energy and isn't something a young child needs to be around anyhow.
My mother in law is the classic example of all that is difficult about mother in laws. She even gave me a speech about premarital sex. That only worked until my husband's grandmother (6 kids, 3 different fathers) asked her if that was how she felt, why she was throwing up every morning the week before her wedding. HA! I love grammas!
Good luck to you and each of your beautiful babies, oh yeah and to your husband that's "obviously" such a saint for taking you on! ;)
Thanks, Eliza! Yeah he's a saint all right, LOL.
I feel you, I know you know exactly what I mean. When I think on it I don't think my family and friends really meant to hurt or insult me by telling me those things...but even still it caused me a tremendous amount of pain to be written off as a person because of how my kids were born. Now that I've proved them all wrong, I'm 'redeemed' in their eyes.
UH...hmmm
Not to rain on the parade, but multiple kids by multiple men doesn't make you a whore, so much as it makes you irresponsible. Not you, but the bigger You. Asking someone to take care of ONE child you've had with another man is cool, but two is unreasonable. Why? Because those kids came with fathers, bills and drama. Rare is the family of this type that can live happily ever after. I don't see any whoredom, so much as I see a fucking headache, if I'm #3. Then if #3 doesn't work out, you can call it a wrap, because no man in his right mind wants to be a with a woman with 3 different kids by three different dads.
This already said, I have 4 kids, (three I made, one I take as my own) three different mothers. And the same thing applies. It suggests what happens to be true: I was irresponsible, careless and made bad choices. Now, the notion of bringing lives into the world sounds awfully romantic, but if they have frayed or damaged relations with thier peeps, or all kinds of loyalty issues (like my kids), what have you really birthed them into. SOme drama? I love my kids, but had I have been smarter, I would not had any. At all. BUt you wear baby-mamahood with remarkable dignity. No denying that.
So. Props.
Thanks, Jimi, I appreciate that.
I don't have a big issue with what you wrote as I agree with you to a certain extent. My viewpoint differs from yours though in that I don't feel my children were born into a drama that means their childhood and subsequent life is inherently bad/wrong or doomed to be traumatic.
I also know, and I am sure you feel me on this, that I love my children just as much as I would if they all had the same father. I take care of them just as well too. I wish that I were given the same respect as mothers who take different paths to parenthood...like adoption. You say it is unreasonable to ask a man to take care of more than one child that isn't his but jimi...people do that all the time when they adopt kids.
yes, of course: adoption. I submit to you, however, that there is a big difference about having the means and then going out in search of a child (or children) in need vs. having that reponsibility thrust upon you vis a vi your relationship. And adopted kids come with issues, but they don't typically come with those issues in tow (e.g. baby-daddies/mamas) so it's not exactly analogous. I mean--true story--I've had women say they don't want to be with me because I have four kids, and none of the kids live with me (yet). They just don't want the POTENTIAL hassle. I think it's asking alot, when you got so many adults in the pot like that. This ain't Africa, where it isn't all that common to run into a woman with 4 kids/4 dads. But it's becoming more and more so. Sadly.
Good points overall jimi. My main point to you is that it doesn't have to be/remain a sad situation for the children involved, in the adults, their parents, choose to be mature and do what's best for their children. In short behave just as they would if they remained together and raised the children together in the same household. easier said than done, but having multiple children by multiple people does not doom your children to sadness and misery. My family is proof-positive of that, we are a happy, well-adjusted family. We are a normal family and we do normal things. We are happy and our kids are well-loved and well taken care of.
You should write a book about dealing with multiple baby-daddies. I"D buy that.
Jimi, I have had people tell me that before! I am swamped with work on many other book projects for the next few years. Maybe in a bit I might be ready and willing to write such a book. But until then, I will blog about how this subject affects my life, and encourage other parents in a similar situation to hold their heads up high and be proud of their children and their families.
i think its understandble for one relationship to fail which involves a child but twice third and four times just shows somethings wrong with you and how u act or behave in relationships or maybe bad luck cant find a suitable partner or to high of expectations maybe your a bitch to live with????to me having a child with someone is a bond for life spiritually mentally physically hey i am not an animal that gets knocked up by every man i come across heard of contreception??? a little more TRADITIONAL FAMILY VALUES AND MORALES should be considered more the done thing then all this dysfunction hey but thats my opion and how i was brought up
Anonymous, why the ire? There is no where in my post that I put down traditional values. My point is that when children arise out of non-traditional situations like mine did, they are just as wonderful and wanted creations of life as children born into a traditional marriage. They should be loved and valued just as much. Mine certainly are. And I am just as good a mother and love my children just as much as if I would have if they had the same father. Do you seriously think that I should not love my children as much or have respect for their life? Shame on you.
What is wrong with you? If this is how you were bought up, I feel deeply, deeply sorry for you. You are to be pitied.
@Bobby Allen: It's not about what 'decent' men or women want in a marriage partner. I will say to you what I said to the previous anon: My point is that when children arise out of non-traditional situations like mine did, they are just as wonderful and wanted creations of life as children born into a traditional marriage. They should be loved and valued just as much. Mine certainly are. And I am just as good a mother and love my children just as much as if I would have if they had the same father. Do you seriously think that I should not love my children as much or have respect for their life? Shame on you.
Also, my husband and I have been together going on 13 years, married for going on 10 years. We have a very good marriage full of love, trust, and stability. We are raising our children in a whole, happy family. I sincerely hope you find the marriage partner you want, because my husband has his and is very happy. :)
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